Today was hard for so many reasons. Back to work to after the first chemo treatment, trapped in a house with three kids due to a snow, feeling so tired, and just really wanting to know that I just want to finish one project, no matter what.
I feel like a sledgehammer has hit me. I have never been so tired, all I really want to do is just lay down and go to sleep. But, you know you can't. I've got work to do, a life to live....and I've got to move forward, if nothing else to prove to myself that I can. But it's late and the pain and tears are near and though I did lot I feel like I just didn't accomplish enough although I guess I tried......it's just hard to realize I couldn't finish.
Some things I've learned.....working at home with three kids....not. If it snows, they go.....or else I do. Learn to drink and love prune juice and though bananas now taste like yummy sweet potatoes....stay away from them. Some things I need to learn, pace myself, I can't do this all by myself, take your meds even when you don't want to. Drink lots and lots of water....and don't be afraid to ask for help.
I hope this gets easier.....or do you think it's going to get harder.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Just wanted to introduce you to my guys, from left to right Hannah, my first grader. Emma, the challenger - voted most likely to at the age of 16 to sneak out her bedroom window, steal the car and run Tolo roads, and Dylan, the future screenwriter of an academy award winning movie.
Just a little bit about my kids. Let's start with the oldest, Dylan Micheal Judge Hoff, senior esquire the third - quote Dylan. Recently turned 18 yrs old - my doesn't that make me old. He's funny, brilliant, a democrat - thank god, and all around good guy. He can be painfully shy, but he's there in a clutch. He's been a writer since the age of 5, when he wrote a creative story of about "The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire", complete with Hannibal and the Carthagians, the Ides of March, to the only thing good thing remaining from Italy.....pizza. I think he just may be a force to be reckoned with.
Hannah Rose Judge, my oldest daughter at the grand old age of of 7 yrs old. A first grader with the biggest, brightest, smile going on the face of the earth. She's the tallest one in her class, even towering over the boys. Did you know that she sings.....constantly. In class she breaks out into song while doing her work and all the rest of the children chime in. Sort of a "whistle while you work thing the children all share in together". In the morning on the way to work and school, we don't listen to the radio....we listen to Hannah. She can not not sing. (Even though there are times when we say, Hannah, that's enough - could you please be quiet, which she doesn't stop singing, she just sings in a softer voice, thinking that no one would hear her). She's so smart, one moment wanting to be a doctor, another moment wanting to be a singer. She's a leader and doesn' t seem to be really afraid of anything. My Rock Star, and gives the best Hannah hugs ever.
Emma Catherine Judge, my big girl at the age of 4 yrs old. She was my surprise child. I thought I had an ulcer but lo and behold I was pregnant at 43 yrs old with Emma. Who'd a thought, certainly not my Oby/Gyn. I was done as far she was concerned. But we had moved up here to Bainbridge and sometimes magical things just happen. Bainbridge in the summer is the best place on the world to be. Emma is a cuddler, a lover, a charmer. She's an individual and marches to her tune. She's more of a boy than girl, but already has a boy friend that she wants to marry when she grows up.
These are my children, they are my hopes and worries. But most of all they are my loves. I only want them happy and to be able to join them on their life voyages.....from first kisses - which the 4 yr old has already had....to senior proms, which I pray my son has the courage to ask someone to go with him. I hope you will love them as much as I do.....
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Old Friends
Old Friends, I've been thinking about that alot. During my chemo treatment, I thought of friends from long ago. I remember a wedding just a vivid as it was today. A young man and woman on the brink of their new life. Their wedding was big, traditional but full of love and fun. Greek orthodox, with pagan rituals and chants. Of tears of joy and promise. I remember 57 chevy pink cadillacs and flowing dresses, smiles, music and dances at the boathouse. I miss those old friends but they are from a past life long gone from my life now. But I have my memories....and have gone on to make new friends.
Friends are important, they make you strong, well and give you the ability to believe in yourself. They laugh with you, cry with you. They help you even when you're not sure why. They organize, they plan, they help take the pain away. Their laughter, their hugs.....it helps. They listen and make you less afraid. And you know that without them you wouldn't be able to do this. They become your family and you love them all so much.
Friends are important, they make you strong, well and give you the ability to believe in yourself. They laugh with you, cry with you. They help you even when you're not sure why. They organize, they plan, they help take the pain away. Their laughter, their hugs.....it helps. They listen and make you less afraid. And you know that without them you wouldn't be able to do this. They become your family and you love them all so much.
Friday, January 25, 2008
How do I feel
How do I feel, I'm not sure. I know that up until a few minutes ago, I was lying in bed and couldn't sleep. Rainer was asleep with his back to me. He has his ear plugs in and and could sleep a through a freight train ....or at least I know he'll sleep through the C-130 that flys 30 feet over our house every night at 4:30 a.m. on it's nightly trip way to Bremerton. I don't know how Rainer feels at all lately......Rainer, rhymes with "finer" or at least that was the line he used on me......guess it worked, because he is fine. He hasn't said much, hasn't told anyone at his office about what's going on, hasn't even told his father or sisters for that matter. I'm giving him his space and all that. But I'm worried.
How do I feel. I'm not sure. I know that something is there.... and that something is there. I feel the cancer, the ever growing hard lump in my left breast, the irritating and dibilitating bone pain from my sternum and chest, the swelling of my underarm from the biopys. It's been there, but now there is something else. The all powerful, all lethal drugs. I had chemotheraphy today. Was it frightening, yes, no, maybe, all of the above. I've never done well at multiple choice questions.
Everything smells and tastes different. There is a pungent taste in my mouth and everything smells ugly. Maggie, the wonderdog is lying and my feet, and I can barely stand to be in the same room with her as she smells so bad.......I just want to throw up from the stink of her. I've already learned, don't eat yogart - it makes me just want to puke. My stomach was growling so much when I woke up that I just tried a piece of bland cheese......the jury is still out on that one.
The chemo wasn't so bad. Most was expected, little thinks unprepared for threw just a bit. Pokes with needles and chemicals coursing through my blood veins. Drugs, drugs, and more drugs.....through the veins, popping pills, in the stomach. Reminds me of the David Gray song.....Moving through the crowd I'm pushing chemicals through my bloodstream.
I'm tired......very tired. I need to finish this glass of water and I think I'll crawl back into bed. I need to sleep.
How do I feel. I'm not sure. I know that something is there.... and that something is there. I feel the cancer, the ever growing hard lump in my left breast, the irritating and dibilitating bone pain from my sternum and chest, the swelling of my underarm from the biopys. It's been there, but now there is something else. The all powerful, all lethal drugs. I had chemotheraphy today. Was it frightening, yes, no, maybe, all of the above. I've never done well at multiple choice questions.
Everything smells and tastes different. There is a pungent taste in my mouth and everything smells ugly. Maggie, the wonderdog is lying and my feet, and I can barely stand to be in the same room with her as she smells so bad.......I just want to throw up from the stink of her. I've already learned, don't eat yogart - it makes me just want to puke. My stomach was growling so much when I woke up that I just tried a piece of bland cheese......the jury is still out on that one.
The chemo wasn't so bad. Most was expected, little thinks unprepared for threw just a bit. Pokes with needles and chemicals coursing through my blood veins. Drugs, drugs, and more drugs.....through the veins, popping pills, in the stomach. Reminds me of the David Gray song.....Moving through the crowd I'm pushing chemicals through my bloodstream.
I'm tired......very tired. I need to finish this glass of water and I think I'll crawl back into bed. I need to sleep.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
On your Mark, Get set......Let's get this Party Started
Flash.....news report at 11:00, (typing sounds clicking in the background)....news update on Joan Judge.
I'm here to report the happenings with Joan Judge's cancer schmaser case.
I had another MRI and meeting with my oncologist today. The MRI was on my brain....and I'm please to report that my brain is okay. Although I'm sure some would say that's hard to believe, considering how whacked I really am. The MRI was interesting......yep, they squeezed me into that tube again. This time though they strapped a helmet onto my face. I swear I looked and felt like Hannibal Lector wearing his mask. The MRI wasn't so bad this time, before inserting my big body into that little rabbit hole they gave me a panic button. They said, press the button and we'll rip you out of the tube. Just holding on tightly to that little button game me the comfort to endure 45 minutes of jet engines roaring in my ears. And the plus side was....ta-da....no cancer on the brain.
The oncologist and I talked about the chemo treatments and drugs. Yep, let's get this party started. I will be undergoing a total of 6 chemo treatment, the treatments will be every three weeks. Even though the chemo is every three weeks, the blood testing will be every week. Sounds like I'm a baseball player being tested for steriods, Not!!!
My first chemo treatment will be this Thursday.....40 hours from now. I've been told to expect the first appointment to last between four to six hours. Doesn't that sound brutal. I was sort of having panic attacks when we started going through the "what to expects". But basically, I'm going to start throwing up for 4 days after the initial treatment - although they will prescribe anti-nausea medicine. I can expect my hair to fall out around day 10....and no, it's not going to fall out a little at a time.....it's just going to all fall out at once. Bzzzz......shaver time. Bleeding Bladder....it's a possible symtom....so I am to drink gallons, no oceans of liquid. Now, can you see why I was having the panic attacks. Let's not even talk about the heart failure problems.....I just don't want to go there tonight.
The oncologist and I also talked about the pain. Not many of you are aware of the extreme pain I've had lately. My sternum, rib cage has been just killing me.....no pun intended. From what I gather, the cancer tumors are pushing against the nerves in the sternum. It's sort of like if someone is punching you.....sooner or later, it's going to hurt. And it's been really hurting lately. I've been reluctant to take pain medication because of possible addiction, however the oncologist said....."take the meds", let's clear up the bone cancer, hopefully that will get rid of the pain. We'll deal with the addiction later. So, I've started to take meds.....so now I'm fuzzy every once in a while.
So it's time to get the party started......it's still scary.....
I'm here to report the happenings with Joan Judge's cancer schmaser case.
I had another MRI and meeting with my oncologist today. The MRI was on my brain....and I'm please to report that my brain is okay. Although I'm sure some would say that's hard to believe, considering how whacked I really am. The MRI was interesting......yep, they squeezed me into that tube again. This time though they strapped a helmet onto my face. I swear I looked and felt like Hannibal Lector wearing his mask. The MRI wasn't so bad this time, before inserting my big body into that little rabbit hole they gave me a panic button. They said, press the button and we'll rip you out of the tube. Just holding on tightly to that little button game me the comfort to endure 45 minutes of jet engines roaring in my ears. And the plus side was....ta-da....no cancer on the brain.
The oncologist and I talked about the chemo treatments and drugs. Yep, let's get this party started. I will be undergoing a total of 6 chemo treatment, the treatments will be every three weeks. Even though the chemo is every three weeks, the blood testing will be every week. Sounds like I'm a baseball player being tested for steriods, Not!!!
My first chemo treatment will be this Thursday.....40 hours from now. I've been told to expect the first appointment to last between four to six hours. Doesn't that sound brutal. I was sort of having panic attacks when we started going through the "what to expects". But basically, I'm going to start throwing up for 4 days after the initial treatment - although they will prescribe anti-nausea medicine. I can expect my hair to fall out around day 10....and no, it's not going to fall out a little at a time.....it's just going to all fall out at once. Bzzzz......shaver time. Bleeding Bladder....it's a possible symtom....so I am to drink gallons, no oceans of liquid. Now, can you see why I was having the panic attacks. Let's not even talk about the heart failure problems.....I just don't want to go there tonight.
The oncologist and I also talked about the pain. Not many of you are aware of the extreme pain I've had lately. My sternum, rib cage has been just killing me.....no pun intended. From what I gather, the cancer tumors are pushing against the nerves in the sternum. It's sort of like if someone is punching you.....sooner or later, it's going to hurt. And it's been really hurting lately. I've been reluctant to take pain medication because of possible addiction, however the oncologist said....."take the meds", let's clear up the bone cancer, hopefully that will get rid of the pain. We'll deal with the addiction later. So, I've started to take meds.....so now I'm fuzzy every once in a while.
So it's time to get the party started......it's still scary.....
Sunday, January 20, 2008
A Smile and some warmth
Last Wednesday was a hard day for me, I was going through my mega bout of tests and I failed my son even though I tried. It was on Wednesday that I finally broke down and said, enough is enough I need help. It was also a very important day in my son's life, it was the day that my son crossed the line to adulthood. My son turned 18 years old. Turning 18 should be the time of your life, but it wasn't for him.
I reached out to a terrific friend to help deliver what I was pretty sure I couldn't, birthday smiles. We talked, I cried and she said what could she do. This wonderful woman went to work, picking up balloons, chocolate cake and milk.....what boy/man doesn't like milk and chocolate cake. She was fabulous and pulled everything together, even going to the extreme of wrapping his birthday gift. She was my Santa and delivered the goods, leaving them on the porch about a half hour just before he got home. However, when he got home it wasn't a nice surprise he got. Unfortunately, some things just don't turn out how you plan. Instead he came home to a cake box opened, a large footprint in the middle of the cake , a present ripped open and disguarded - no doubt because it was a SF Giants Sweatshirt opposed to Mariners. The only real good thing was the milk was still there. Thank god for small favors.
Are you horrified, I was. Here is this sweet young man trying to be brave in the face of his mom having breast cancer when someone just heaves a little bit more on him. The bottom fell out when I learned what had happened as my son related the story about what he came home to.
But events turn and on Thursday I ran into an angel on my way to yet another horrible doctor's appointment. Another friend listened to my fears, my failures, gave me a warm hug and immediately came to my rescue. She gave me some hope. My son and her daughter have been part of a youth group for nearly six years. It's a small group, but a tight, close group. She and her daughter - a beautiful, smart, funny, seriously intelligent young woman - mobilized. They got me to contact my church when I was to afraid to, arranged for a cake, contacted Dylan's friends and on Saturday blew my son away with a surprise birthday party.
I haven't seen my son smile in weeks and it felt good. He was full of happiness and sunshine. We talked afterwards, and the joy just radiated out of him. It felt good and for a moment I felt happiness. I asked for help and wonderful people were there. I just don't know how I ever can say thank you. It felt good when on Wednesday when I reached out to one friend who listened, who said it was okay to ask for help and just helped me when I needed it. It felt good to receive warm hug from another friend and know that people were there for my son. And for me.
Thank you.....
I reached out to a terrific friend to help deliver what I was pretty sure I couldn't, birthday smiles. We talked, I cried and she said what could she do. This wonderful woman went to work, picking up balloons, chocolate cake and milk.....what boy/man doesn't like milk and chocolate cake. She was fabulous and pulled everything together, even going to the extreme of wrapping his birthday gift. She was my Santa and delivered the goods, leaving them on the porch about a half hour just before he got home. However, when he got home it wasn't a nice surprise he got. Unfortunately, some things just don't turn out how you plan. Instead he came home to a cake box opened, a large footprint in the middle of the cake , a present ripped open and disguarded - no doubt because it was a SF Giants Sweatshirt opposed to Mariners. The only real good thing was the milk was still there. Thank god for small favors.
Are you horrified, I was. Here is this sweet young man trying to be brave in the face of his mom having breast cancer when someone just heaves a little bit more on him. The bottom fell out when I learned what had happened as my son related the story about what he came home to.
But events turn and on Thursday I ran into an angel on my way to yet another horrible doctor's appointment. Another friend listened to my fears, my failures, gave me a warm hug and immediately came to my rescue. She gave me some hope. My son and her daughter have been part of a youth group for nearly six years. It's a small group, but a tight, close group. She and her daughter - a beautiful, smart, funny, seriously intelligent young woman - mobilized. They got me to contact my church when I was to afraid to, arranged for a cake, contacted Dylan's friends and on Saturday blew my son away with a surprise birthday party.
I haven't seen my son smile in weeks and it felt good. He was full of happiness and sunshine. We talked afterwards, and the joy just radiated out of him. It felt good and for a moment I felt happiness. I asked for help and wonderful people were there. I just don't know how I ever can say thank you. It felt good when on Wednesday when I reached out to one friend who listened, who said it was okay to ask for help and just helped me when I needed it. It felt good to receive warm hug from another friend and know that people were there for my son. And for me.
Thank you.....
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Are you scared?
Are you scared.....someone recently asked me. "I'm scared shitless", I responded. For the past several weeks, I keep getting more and more bad news. No, you don't have lump, yes, you do have lump....oh, it looks small, no it's pretty big......I doubt its cancer, yes - you have cancer.,....there's some spots on your sternum, I'm not too concerned, we're very concerned - you have a hole in your bone where the cancer has eaten it away.
On the photos, it's black and scary and means I could die. It's that word "die" that just sends me over the edge. I find myself crying rivers, even oceans of tears. My chest is so tight that I can bearly breath and the roaring ringing in my ears never seems to end. I'm dizzy, I'm tired, I just want to go to sleep and wake up and find out this has all been a bad dream. I'm 47, I have a husband, three children, a dog, and two goldfish (that no matter how hard I try to kill by not feeding, they just keep on going and going and going.....much like the pink energizer bunny). I just want to keep on going, I can't die.
And hopefully.....I won't die. But that doesn't mean I'm not scared. I'm scared to be alone, I'm scared to go to the doctors, I'm scared to go to work, I'm scared to start my chemo, I'm scared everytime they stick yet another needle in my arm, I'm scared I won't see my children grow up. I'm scared to ask for help, and what's even worse I'm scared that I know that I'm going to need help. And most of all, I'm scared that that there will be no one there to help me but myself......and I wonder will I be strong enough to do this. I hope so.
On the photos, it's black and scary and means I could die. It's that word "die" that just sends me over the edge. I find myself crying rivers, even oceans of tears. My chest is so tight that I can bearly breath and the roaring ringing in my ears never seems to end. I'm dizzy, I'm tired, I just want to go to sleep and wake up and find out this has all been a bad dream. I'm 47, I have a husband, three children, a dog, and two goldfish (that no matter how hard I try to kill by not feeding, they just keep on going and going and going.....much like the pink energizer bunny). I just want to keep on going, I can't die.
And hopefully.....I won't die. But that doesn't mean I'm not scared. I'm scared to be alone, I'm scared to go to the doctors, I'm scared to go to work, I'm scared to start my chemo, I'm scared everytime they stick yet another needle in my arm, I'm scared I won't see my children grow up. I'm scared to ask for help, and what's even worse I'm scared that I know that I'm going to need help. And most of all, I'm scared that that there will be no one there to help me but myself......and I wonder will I be strong enough to do this. I hope so.
Friday, January 18, 2008
The Knows and the Who knows
My name is Joan Judge and I have breast cancer. Doesn't that sound like I am doing some sort of twelve step program, "not that there's anything wrong with that" to quote Jerry Seinfeld. I just wanted to let everyone what I know and what is unknown.
Get ready.....here comes the science lesson. It's okay if you want to snooze through this part. However there are those you who just love these morbid details.
I have invasive ductal carcinoma. One of the most common of the breast cancers. I have several tumors in my left breast that span over 11 centimeters. I have several cancer tumors in my sternum. (The sternum is the bones down the middle of your chest separating your breasts). The cancer has left a hole in one of the bones......think termites eating through wood. I have one lymph node that looks to have cancer....thank-god, I don't think I could have taken much more good news from my doctors. My doctors tell me that this is considered stage 3 cancer (with an outside chance at being stage 4....more on that later). This is the known part of what's going on with me.
My treatment is going to be a three, four, five, maybe six part process. I will be going through chemo, surgery, and radiation - after each process I will be re-evaluated and may have to go back to "go" and start all over again. An unknown is how the cancer got into my sternum. Is the cancer in the bone as a result of the infection bleeding over from my breast....which cross your fingers is the case.....or as a result of spreading through my blood stream? Who knows? But the doctors want to tackle the bones first with the chemo. I personally just want to kill the cancer....now. If I could start chemo today, I would. As it stands it looks like I will start next Thursday or Friday.
So given all of this, does it mean I'm going to go away. I can answer that with one word....NO, a resounding no. Who knows why this has happened to me but I still have much to do. I am looking forward to the fighting between Hannah and Emma to figure out which one will wear my wedding dress (my money is on Emma as Hannah is more of a Vera Wang girl), waiting to meet my son's girl (and making sure she can pass inspection), convincing Scott to make me VP of Finance and all that goes with that (for that matter becoming CFO of a company and evenually taking it publc - excuse my Napoleonic tendicies are showing) to watching my "Red October Sky" maple tree grow to 30 feet high. I guess I'm going to fight the fight, walk the walk. Watch out, I am woman hear me roar....or at least meow alot.
Get ready.....here comes the science lesson. It's okay if you want to snooze through this part. However there are those you who just love these morbid details.
I have invasive ductal carcinoma. One of the most common of the breast cancers. I have several tumors in my left breast that span over 11 centimeters. I have several cancer tumors in my sternum. (The sternum is the bones down the middle of your chest separating your breasts). The cancer has left a hole in one of the bones......think termites eating through wood. I have one lymph node that looks to have cancer....thank-god, I don't think I could have taken much more good news from my doctors. My doctors tell me that this is considered stage 3 cancer (with an outside chance at being stage 4....more on that later). This is the known part of what's going on with me.
My treatment is going to be a three, four, five, maybe six part process. I will be going through chemo, surgery, and radiation - after each process I will be re-evaluated and may have to go back to "go" and start all over again. An unknown is how the cancer got into my sternum. Is the cancer in the bone as a result of the infection bleeding over from my breast....which cross your fingers is the case.....or as a result of spreading through my blood stream? Who knows? But the doctors want to tackle the bones first with the chemo. I personally just want to kill the cancer....now. If I could start chemo today, I would. As it stands it looks like I will start next Thursday or Friday.
So given all of this, does it mean I'm going to go away. I can answer that with one word....NO, a resounding no. Who knows why this has happened to me but I still have much to do. I am looking forward to the fighting between Hannah and Emma to figure out which one will wear my wedding dress (my money is on Emma as Hannah is more of a Vera Wang girl), waiting to meet my son's girl (and making sure she can pass inspection), convincing Scott to make me VP of Finance and all that goes with that (for that matter becoming CFO of a company and evenually taking it publc - excuse my Napoleonic tendicies are showing) to watching my "Red October Sky" maple tree grow to 30 feet high. I guess I'm going to fight the fight, walk the walk. Watch out, I am woman hear me roar....or at least meow alot.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Say it ain't so, Joe!!!
Yes, I have cancer. I'm a mom to three wacky kids, in love with my soul mate with red hair and glasses, and have Maggie the wonderdog. Who'd a thought.....certainly not me. Right now I'm on a roller coaster of known and unknown and can't seem to get off. What's even worse - I hate rollercoasters.
Recently during the barrage of tests the doctors have been putting me through, I was sitting in a Starbucks coffee shop. I was back in the corner sipping on hot chocolate - you know, chocolate is medicine for the soul - trying to figure out what to do next, answer work emails, wondering if I'd make the ferry to be on time to pick up Emma and Hannah, worried what I was going to feed to brood, fearful that the laundry was never going to get done, and whether or not I could make it through the next round of needle pokes. When I came to the realization that.....one, I can't keep this a secret any longer.....and I can't do this alone.
I've created this blog to post the whats, the whys, and the whens.....even when I'm not sure of the answers. I invite my friends to post their thoughts....both good and bad.....as I am going to do....no matter how good or bad.
Recently during the barrage of tests the doctors have been putting me through, I was sitting in a Starbucks coffee shop. I was back in the corner sipping on hot chocolate - you know, chocolate is medicine for the soul - trying to figure out what to do next, answer work emails, wondering if I'd make the ferry to be on time to pick up Emma and Hannah, worried what I was going to feed to brood, fearful that the laundry was never going to get done, and whether or not I could make it through the next round of needle pokes. When I came to the realization that.....one, I can't keep this a secret any longer.....and I can't do this alone.
I've created this blog to post the whats, the whys, and the whens.....even when I'm not sure of the answers. I invite my friends to post their thoughts....both good and bad.....as I am going to do....no matter how good or bad.
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