Just rocking in my chair

It’s dark and quiet. My girls are wrapped in their cozy comforters asleep in their beds. Winter is whispering outside as I sit rocking in my chair. I reach up and run my hand through my hair, my eyes are tired. Yes, I have hair again. It’s about a half inch short, twirls in different directions all over my head. It isn’t curly, but it isn’t straight. It’s very, very gray, but at least it’s hair. I bend my head over my laptop and type on into the night.

I’m waiting. I’m waiting on Christmas, with its wide smiles of anticipation, its crazy songs of partridge’s stuck in pear trees sung over and over by two little girls and warm hot tea, cream, a little sugar with spiced bread shared with friends. I’m waiting for the numbness that has creped into my hands and feet from my recent chemo treatments to go away. I’m waiting for peace to spread through my mind as I wind down from my arduous day filled with system implementations, cash flow models, and month end product sales. I’m waiting for the drugs to wash over my body and take away the severe pain I still feel from where my breast, my muscles, my lymph nodes, and my underarm used to be. I’m waiting to see what will be.

It’s different, it’s both good and bad. I continue on and am getting used to the stranger in the mirror. But I just keep waiting……and wondering in the night.