Well, it's 4 down and now I only have 2 to go. For this cycle, at least. However they tell me the next cycle isn't so bad. It's day 2 after the chemo and I'm feeling bad, but am surrounded by love. Moments, pop up here and there as I try to keep food and drink down. I feel bad, but there are hands to hold and kind words to hear.
I receive thoughtful cards from old friends that help me smile through it all. Cards from friends such as Phyllis, Thom and Linda, Donalyn, Mary, and David, that make me feel their love and strength as I continue my battle. Friends such as Behan and Danielle pop by and sit next to me and tell me tales of their life and adventures to distract me from my pain. It helps.
And what really helps is knowing that the tumor is smaller by about 50% according to my doctor. Two more chemos, then surgery, then more chemo, then more surgery. But my battle is getting easier, with love and know that there is 4 down and 2 to go.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Warmth of Family
It feels like I'm on a long voyage, one I really never wanted to take. Sort of like going to your Great Aunt Bitsy, the one who lives about 80 miles off a dirt road. You were forced to go as a child, crammed into a station wagon with your other brothers and sisters and hated it. Remember when you got there, it was a nightmare of bad beds, bad foods, and getting food poisoning all top off of her stinky pink perfume that you smelled everytime she gave you a kiss and hug. That's how my life has been lately only worse.
It's been hard, it's a life of full of hospitals, IV's, throwing up in pink buckets, and loosing ground. I am weaker than a baby and my energy is gone. I now eat jello and toast because my throat hurts so bad. I have been scared, tired, and sick. I have taken to bed have not been able to even walk because I have been so bad. The doctor plays with my medication as he trys to control the vomit.
But there is now some comfort there to hold my hand as my mom and best friend are now staying with me. They bring me joy, laughter, and hands to hold. My mom has already been there to wipe my face with a cold wash towel as I bend over the sink yet again. While my best friend is there helping me stand tall as I take a walk through my garden and point out the flowers that are beginning to start again. They are trying to make me whole again with their love and warmth. What would I do without them, what would you do without them. Love your family, love your friends......and thank them that they are there to give you the love that you need in this time of stinky pink perfume.
It's been hard, it's a life of full of hospitals, IV's, throwing up in pink buckets, and loosing ground. I am weaker than a baby and my energy is gone. I now eat jello and toast because my throat hurts so bad. I have been scared, tired, and sick. I have taken to bed have not been able to even walk because I have been so bad. The doctor plays with my medication as he trys to control the vomit.
But there is now some comfort there to hold my hand as my mom and best friend are now staying with me. They bring me joy, laughter, and hands to hold. My mom has already been there to wipe my face with a cold wash towel as I bend over the sink yet again. While my best friend is there helping me stand tall as I take a walk through my garden and point out the flowers that are beginning to start again. They are trying to make me whole again with their love and warmth. What would I do without them, what would you do without them. Love your family, love your friends......and thank them that they are there to give you the love that you need in this time of stinky pink perfume.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Guest Post: an Update on Joan
This post introduces guest updates to Just Joan. Joan hasn't been feeling well, and asked to have a friend update. Anne Decker shares this from her day doing the shuttle to Swedish this week. ~Behan
When I was at Swedish on Wednesday with Joan, I picked up a Patient Education Update flyer as we waited in the reception area. Did you know that Swedish now has a Cancer Podcast Program for patients and their families? Well at the time I was reading it, all I could think of was how unimportant this seemed at a moment when Joan was feeling so badly. All I could think of was, "what Joan really needs at this moment is someone or something to stop the excruciating pain and the unrelenting nausea, this instant - forget about the podcast! Please don't get me wrong - I am so thankful for the advances made through cancer research and the accessibility of cancer education. But all I wanted at the time was for Joan to find some relief - NOW.
Joan asked me to post a blog entry this week, as it has been awhile since she has felt up to it. On Wednesday, the nausea and pain were so bad that Joan was unable to keep anything down - not even the anti-nausea medication. We still ventured in to Seattle for her 12:30pm radiation treatment, but she was too sick to proceed with the treatment. Instead, she tried to rest in the hospital in bed while receiving fluids, anti-nausea and pain meds through IV. Rainer left work and came to the hospital in the afternoon. All Joan had to say was, "I need you here", and he was there. He was there for her, and then later he was back on the island, just in time to be there for the kids at the end of the day - and Emma's 5th birthday! In the calmer moments between the pain and nausea, Joan still managed amongst all of this to dispense sage advice to me, which I hold dearly.
Joan is pretty sure the aggressive combination of both chemo and radiation together in such close proximity are what is making her so sick this week. I am hoping and praying that Thursday was at least a little bit better than Wednesday, and that she felt a little stronger today than the other day. Of course what we feel and what we are don't always seem to line up. Joan still insists she's not strong and that she's just Joan, but I say she's one of the strongest and bravest people I know. We barely made the 5:30pm ferry back to the island - after putting a little bit of pressure on the ferry worker in the ticket booth. The 5:30pm ferry "now closed to boarding" at 5:20, even for priority loaders - - - give me a break! So, we made it, thank god. Joan is thoroughly exhausted and is very happy to be home, only being released from the hospital if she promises to come back at 10am the next day. Joan's not sure if she can do that. I think she can. Joan, I have been thinking good thoughts for you all day.
Anne
When I was at Swedish on Wednesday with Joan, I picked up a Patient Education Update flyer as we waited in the reception area. Did you know that Swedish now has a Cancer Podcast Program for patients and their families? Well at the time I was reading it, all I could think of was how unimportant this seemed at a moment when Joan was feeling so badly. All I could think of was, "what Joan really needs at this moment is someone or something to stop the excruciating pain and the unrelenting nausea, this instant - forget about the podcast! Please don't get me wrong - I am so thankful for the advances made through cancer research and the accessibility of cancer education. But all I wanted at the time was for Joan to find some relief - NOW.
Joan asked me to post a blog entry this week, as it has been awhile since she has felt up to it. On Wednesday, the nausea and pain were so bad that Joan was unable to keep anything down - not even the anti-nausea medication. We still ventured in to Seattle for her 12:30pm radiation treatment, but she was too sick to proceed with the treatment. Instead, she tried to rest in the hospital in bed while receiving fluids, anti-nausea and pain meds through IV. Rainer left work and came to the hospital in the afternoon. All Joan had to say was, "I need you here", and he was there. He was there for her, and then later he was back on the island, just in time to be there for the kids at the end of the day - and Emma's 5th birthday! In the calmer moments between the pain and nausea, Joan still managed amongst all of this to dispense sage advice to me, which I hold dearly.
Joan is pretty sure the aggressive combination of both chemo and radiation together in such close proximity are what is making her so sick this week. I am hoping and praying that Thursday was at least a little bit better than Wednesday, and that she felt a little stronger today than the other day. Of course what we feel and what we are don't always seem to line up. Joan still insists she's not strong and that she's just Joan, but I say she's one of the strongest and bravest people I know. We barely made the 5:30pm ferry back to the island - after putting a little bit of pressure on the ferry worker in the ticket booth. The 5:30pm ferry "now closed to boarding" at 5:20, even for priority loaders - - - give me a break! So, we made it, thank god. Joan is thoroughly exhausted and is very happy to be home, only being released from the hospital if she promises to come back at 10am the next day. Joan's not sure if she can do that. I think she can. Joan, I have been thinking good thoughts for you all day.
Anne
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Really Bad Lately
I haven’t written much lately. It’s been really bad ……but not because of the radiation, not because of chemo but because of something really stupid….the stomach flu.
I am achy, tired, and have been throwing up for the last three days. A simple thing like the flu and I feel worse than if a mac truck had hit me. My doctor tells me it’s been going around the island. Try to drink lots of fluids. Try….yeah, right.
I remember when I was a little girl, my mom used to give me grape juice mixed with 7-up when I had the stomach flu. I only liked it when I had the flu. I guess her mom had given it to her when she had been a child. I had a frou-frou room that only a mother could love, with canopy bed and pink roses. I remember when I was sick she used to hold my hand and wipe my face and brow with a cool washcloth every time after I threw up. Sometimes I wish I was that little girl, sipping grape juice and 7-up and my mom was holding my hand. It’s just been bad lately.
I can’t think of anything else to write tonight, I’m tired and just want to crawl into bed and dream of being of little girl whose mom used to hold her hand.
I am achy, tired, and have been throwing up for the last three days. A simple thing like the flu and I feel worse than if a mac truck had hit me. My doctor tells me it’s been going around the island. Try to drink lots of fluids. Try….yeah, right.
I remember when I was a little girl, my mom used to give me grape juice mixed with 7-up when I had the stomach flu. I only liked it when I had the flu. I guess her mom had given it to her when she had been a child. I had a frou-frou room that only a mother could love, with canopy bed and pink roses. I remember when I was sick she used to hold my hand and wipe my face and brow with a cool washcloth every time after I threw up. Sometimes I wish I was that little girl, sipping grape juice and 7-up and my mom was holding my hand. It’s just been bad lately.
I can’t think of anything else to write tonight, I’m tired and just want to crawl into bed and dream of being of little girl whose mom used to hold her hand.
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