Yep, the wait is over – my cancer has returned. Cancer, the Sequel. Sorry, you’ll have to excuse me I don’t really have my game face in place yet. It’s only now after a week and half that it’s beginning to hit me. It’s back. It looks like you have more tumors, Joan. Where,there, there, yes there….why, who knows, I don’t know…..third base (my daughter and I say that to each other whenever someone says I don’t know – it’s an Abbott and Costello routine)
For the past week I’ve been asking myself, how do I feel? The answer so far is……I feel nothing. No tears have leaked from my eyes, no panic fear has clutched my chest and interrupted my breath, arms have been not yet been flung into pillows with anger. I just move, go forward. Get out of bed, get dressed, tie my shoes, hustle the girls off to school, do dishes, knit one, purl two. Feed the dogs, the cats, the fish, the goats. Wear socks because it feels cold. Pull the covers over my head because I don’t want to think of what tomorrow will be.
I’m seriously good at rationalizations, though. Well, I’d better cancel my hair appointment – since I might lose my hair again. And damn, wouldn’t you know I finally have a cut and color that I’m happy with. It will be okay…….we knew this was going to happen. I have stage IV cancer, sooner or later it’s going to kill me. Hey, don’t worry – it’s not like this is going to be the “kill shot”. You know, I really did want to take some of this extra weight off before Christmas. Looks like I’ll have no problem loosing it.
The fact is I do know what to expect. I wish I really could stay in bed and make tomorrow never happen, but I can’t. No change in chemo, just get to go through the whole regiment of radiation therapy again. Oh joy. I get to look forward to my skin turning lobster red and ooze with whitish pus, massive fatigue that will wear my body, my mind and my heart down and trample all over it, green bile from my mouth while diarrhea cramps the rest of me over in half. Loneliness will plague me from the isolation of being with friends and family.
A friend recently said, “it looks like you’re going to do anger this time, Joan”. I’m not sure if she’s right or wrong……I just wish I’d feel something.
But hey……it will be okay (keep your fingers crossed) I should be fine soon (in 6 months if I’m lucky) We’ll manage (I seriously doubt) I don’t need any help (Hahahahahaha……I guess it’s time to re-activate TeamJoan)
