I recently finished my chemo. It will be three weeks since my last chemo treatment tomorrow. My chemo theraphy had the nickname "AC", it's an old theraphy of two very tough drugs. One of the hardest chemo drug combinations out there. It was a devasting chemo, leaving me sick and weak. I would have the treatments once every three weeks.
I've been working on strengthing myself. I know that I'm getting stronger. I'm driving now. I am going into the office half days rather than working from home all day. I've done wash and folded clothes (even though it was so exhausting that I was sweating and had to rest for a half hour afterwards). I've cooked a meal (do you know how hard it is to cook). I've even cleaned my kitchen (men just don't know how to do dishes and clean kitchens).
I've still been sick, but after tomorrow the road should get easier as for now there are no more "AC" injections. The sickness will just be leftovers from previous chemo treatments. Rainer has been teasing me that I'm getting peach fuzz on my head where new hair is growing back in. I think he's wrong, I think I've just been washing my head more and it's softer. I can't wait for the leftovers to be gone from the refrigerator, my body. All I have to do is get stronger and wait. Once again, I hate waiting......
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Sad times
I know that I should be happy, I'm getting stronger every week. I've finished phase I, the hard chemo days are behind me. I even went into the office this week to work rather than working from bed. However, I'm very sad.
Why you ask, because my mom left this week. She's coming back, however for the past eight weeks, my mom has been my number one supporter, primary cheerleader, the person who held my hand the tightest when I felt so bad I wanted to just die, the one who help me learn to eat again. It was probably the longest time I spent with my mother since I was eighteen. She's older now, but the love was still there. The love I felt when I was five and starting big scary kindergarden, the love I felt when I was hormone crazed thirteen year old teenager, and the love I felt when I left home and went to live on my own.
My mom took care of me and my family for the last eight weeks. She managed my house with love and care even when it was a huge job for her and tired her to the point of exhaustion every night. At night while still very sick, I would hear her sing to my girls as she would put them to bed. I relearned songs from years gone by, chick-a-dee, chick-a-dee, happy and gay. I could hear her love from her voice as she would patiently sing the same songs over every night. She took over the wash, making sure the girls clothes were clean and folded. She would talk to Rainer, giving him the love he was desparately looking for but too embarassed to ask for. She was just hard enough on Dylan to make sure that he knew he still was part of a family and it needed him as much he needed them.
The first day she was gone, I sobbed uncontrollably for hours on end. I felt as my will to live had been taken away even though I knew she was coming back. It's now been three days and I still find myself crying because she isn't here to hold my hand and to take pride in the strength I am regaining each day. I miss her so much.
She is coming back though and is bringing my father with her. I can't wait to see my dad, even though I'm so worried that he will break down when he sees me. The woman I was before is gone and I still wait for her to come back. Unfortunately, he will see the weakling I've become, hairless, chapped lipped, a stranger even to myself. My mom coming back to help me through Phase II, the mastectomy.
And so I wait. She will be back soon, and I will be stronger. Sometimes as we get older, we forget what our moms were like and what they did for us. I now remember what it's like to have a mother again. I love my mom and I miss her.
Why you ask, because my mom left this week. She's coming back, however for the past eight weeks, my mom has been my number one supporter, primary cheerleader, the person who held my hand the tightest when I felt so bad I wanted to just die, the one who help me learn to eat again. It was probably the longest time I spent with my mother since I was eighteen. She's older now, but the love was still there. The love I felt when I was five and starting big scary kindergarden, the love I felt when I was hormone crazed thirteen year old teenager, and the love I felt when I left home and went to live on my own.
My mom took care of me and my family for the last eight weeks. She managed my house with love and care even when it was a huge job for her and tired her to the point of exhaustion every night. At night while still very sick, I would hear her sing to my girls as she would put them to bed. I relearned songs from years gone by, chick-a-dee, chick-a-dee, happy and gay. I could hear her love from her voice as she would patiently sing the same songs over every night. She took over the wash, making sure the girls clothes were clean and folded. She would talk to Rainer, giving him the love he was desparately looking for but too embarassed to ask for. She was just hard enough on Dylan to make sure that he knew he still was part of a family and it needed him as much he needed them.
The first day she was gone, I sobbed uncontrollably for hours on end. I felt as my will to live had been taken away even though I knew she was coming back. It's now been three days and I still find myself crying because she isn't here to hold my hand and to take pride in the strength I am regaining each day. I miss her so much.
She is coming back though and is bringing my father with her. I can't wait to see my dad, even though I'm so worried that he will break down when he sees me. The woman I was before is gone and I still wait for her to come back. Unfortunately, he will see the weakling I've become, hairless, chapped lipped, a stranger even to myself. My mom coming back to help me through Phase II, the mastectomy.
And so I wait. She will be back soon, and I will be stronger. Sometimes as we get older, we forget what our moms were like and what they did for us. I now remember what it's like to have a mother again. I love my mom and I miss her.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Strength
It was sunny today. Hurray. It's funny how a little sunshine can give us such strength. The suns rays are so powerful and healing. They give life to plants and gave me the strength to do things. That's what I am trying to work on strength. Strength to get out of bed, strength to go to Safeway and grocery shop, strength to go into work instead of working from my home, strength to be with my children and sing lullabys as they drift off to sleep.
I am so weak and just want to be normal again, even though I still have such a long journey to go. But that sunshine was all powerful. I did things that sound mundane to most, such as going to Safeway for batteries, but I did it. I probably did too much but like I said I just want to be normal again.
And so tomorrow I hope the sun will be back and I will continue to work on my strength. My garden is blooming, maybe with the help of the sun I can walk around my garden and work on my strength.
I am so weak and just want to be normal again, even though I still have such a long journey to go. But that sunshine was all powerful. I did things that sound mundane to most, such as going to Safeway for batteries, but I did it. I probably did too much but like I said I just want to be normal again.
And so tomorrow I hope the sun will be back and I will continue to work on my strength. My garden is blooming, maybe with the help of the sun I can walk around my garden and work on my strength.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Working hard to get well
It's been nearly a week since my last hard chemo. I am trying so hard to get well. Don't get me wrong, I've been sick this round of chemo - but I am trying to eat and I haven't been throwing up so that is a plus.
I'm anxious and have been having hot flashes galore. Early menopause has certainly set into my body. One minute I've got the chills, the next minute I'm sweating buckets of water. But I keep going. It seems to be the only thing I can do. Keep going.
I am tired of being sick and look forward to being well soon. Sort of like waiting for the summer to come, I keep waiting for the illness to go away. But summer should be here soon and the illness I have from the chemo should go away too. I just wonder when that will be.......I never was one to wait. So I'll just keep working hard to get well for my family, my children, my mother - who tirelessly takes care of me and for myself.
I'm anxious and have been having hot flashes galore. Early menopause has certainly set into my body. One minute I've got the chills, the next minute I'm sweating buckets of water. But I keep going. It seems to be the only thing I can do. Keep going.
I am tired of being sick and look forward to being well soon. Sort of like waiting for the summer to come, I keep waiting for the illness to go away. But summer should be here soon and the illness I have from the chemo should go away too. I just wonder when that will be.......I never was one to wait. So I'll just keep working hard to get well for my family, my children, my mother - who tirelessly takes care of me and for myself.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Last Hard Time
Tomorrow is my last hard chemo. I don't want to go, it's been so much harder than I ever thought it would be. But I'll go. Lately, I've been very emotional. I find myself crying all the time. It's like the chemo is winning and I've been dying little by little. But I fight it, just as I try to fight the cancer. I want to win this battle so much.
I've been very sick. I've lost a lot of weight. They tell me it's good that I'm heavy, that I'm lucky to have the weight during this battle. But it's been hard, I can bearly eat anymore. Nothing, not even tacos taste good. Many times I don't even want to put the fork with the food in my mouth. It is so hard to get the food to go down. Any more times than naught the food hasn't stayed down. But I fight, I fight to eat and I fight to win.
And I win little by little. This week I went into the office to work, rather than working from my bed. Yes, I have kept working during my illness. I think I would have gone crazy had a not been able to work during my illness. When I saw my boss, I broke down and just cryed and cryed. I missed him so much I was overwhelmed to know that he still needed me and wanted me back in the office. I was only going to stay an hour, but as usual stayed longer and worked more than I should. I like to work and worked a lot this week. I didn't finish everything but it was nice to know that I could work as hard and as long as I did.
And tomorrow I go again into battle. It will be my last hard chemo, my last round of "AC". How I dread it. To know that for the next two weeks the poison will take control and I'll have to battle yet again. I hate this cancer, I want to win so bad. So I'll go.....and pray that I continue to win.
I've been very sick. I've lost a lot of weight. They tell me it's good that I'm heavy, that I'm lucky to have the weight during this battle. But it's been hard, I can bearly eat anymore. Nothing, not even tacos taste good. Many times I don't even want to put the fork with the food in my mouth. It is so hard to get the food to go down. Any more times than naught the food hasn't stayed down. But I fight, I fight to eat and I fight to win.
And I win little by little. This week I went into the office to work, rather than working from my bed. Yes, I have kept working during my illness. I think I would have gone crazy had a not been able to work during my illness. When I saw my boss, I broke down and just cryed and cryed. I missed him so much I was overwhelmed to know that he still needed me and wanted me back in the office. I was only going to stay an hour, but as usual stayed longer and worked more than I should. I like to work and worked a lot this week. I didn't finish everything but it was nice to know that I could work as hard and as long as I did.
And tomorrow I go again into battle. It will be my last hard chemo, my last round of "AC". How I dread it. To know that for the next two weeks the poison will take control and I'll have to battle yet again. I hate this cancer, I want to win so bad. So I'll go.....and pray that I continue to win.
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