Yes, I’m actually watching Star Wars movies. This is an inside joke. Those that really know me understand this joke, so the question is…..do you really know me? I’m watching IV – The New Hope, one of the better films. I watched the end of the Sith film, nah, definitely not good. The best of the film series of course is V – Empire Strikes Back. I remember when I first saw IV back when it was I (Did you know that originally there were supposed to be a total of IX – but things don’t always turn out like you think they will). I was seventeen. Luke was young, dashing, blond locks shining as the sun set, his baby blues staring dreamily into space as he wished for the skies. It was an awe moment; similar to the one my own girls now have when they see their movie moment with some gangly, high school boy, with dark locks hanging in his eyes as he jumps up and down and sings about his teenage angst. Hmmm, I think my IV moment is definitely better than their teenage angst movie moment.
I haven’t written in a while. Things don’t always turn out like you expect them to. I stopped working in June. Things have changed. I find it hard to...... Smile. Think. Breathe. Laugh. I go through motions, I’m good at motions. Writing, a love, has become painful. So today I am writing gibberish in hopes that it will allow me to start taking baby steps. Move, walk. There is so much darkness and pain. Do you ever get use to it?
Okay…..it’s the big fight between Darth and Obie Wan…..need to go. It’s time to go back to the motions.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
A walk in the moonlight
Okay, the whiney little girl in me wearing triple thick glasses, long hair pulled back in pony tails and wearing too big sneakers says, I’ve been this on this so called car ride for over a year now and wants to know – are we there yet? The mature, suave, former San Francisco cosmopolitan, now islander mom, with red titanium hip glasses, seriously yet stylish short hair and wears bright pink, snake skin tennis shoes answers back – we’re on this journey for a long time, probably for the rest of our lives.
My journey originally started sitting at the Pub lifting a pint or two high in the air with warm friends. The journey is now over a year old and has a ways to go yet. Windy roads, and scary turns have I taken. I’ve gone through the land of hair loss, puking up my green guts day after day, turning neon radiated red. But I have not stopped, maybe paused a moment or two but have kept going down the path of cancer. The non-stop, Napoleonic woman who dreamed of being a CFO of a software company has given way to an introspective slow motioned girl who looks up to the stars and dreams now of days that will or won’t come.
The burdens can be tough to bear, sleepless nights of anxiety, debilitating pain as the disease seeps slowly into my bones, fear of facing yet another year let alone a day of needles and poisonous drugs, and having the children home for summer. Yet I have received so many gifts, the ability to hear the wind through my backyard trees and wind chimes dance in the night, friends whose strong hugs and hand holding have given me warmth on the coldest of days, and having my children home with me to enjoy the laughter that comes from summer.
I asked my friends to raise a pint with me, now I’m wondering if a few friends would like to walk for a moment (and not very far) with me. Bainbridge is part of a wonderful thing called the “Relay for Life”, sponsored by the American Cancer Society. I’ve decided to try to walk a lap or two. Yes, the American Cancer Society is all about raising money, but I’m not walking because of that. There is a deafening darkness that creeps into your soul every hour that you have cancer. I want to walk a lap or two in the night to show that I’m not afraid of the darkness and I will continue on with my journey no matter how much I’d just like to lay down on the track and call it quits.
I will be walking in the Relay for Life on July 18th at 10 p.m. at Bainbridge High School. I hope to be accompanied by a couple of fabulous runners – who are friends of my son – but I hope a few more friends will show up. My goal is to do at least one lap - slowly. The superwoman in me wants to do 5 laps, but that might be pushing it. For me, this isn’t about the money – it’s the doing. I was going to try to get a corporate sponsor and get some cool pink t-shirts with the TeamJoan logo on it….but, hey I’ve got cancer. I can’t take on the world anymore; I’m just taking on me. Please join me, if you can.
To register please go to…..
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?pg=entry&fr_id=17756
and look for me…
My journey originally started sitting at the Pub lifting a pint or two high in the air with warm friends. The journey is now over a year old and has a ways to go yet. Windy roads, and scary turns have I taken. I’ve gone through the land of hair loss, puking up my green guts day after day, turning neon radiated red. But I have not stopped, maybe paused a moment or two but have kept going down the path of cancer. The non-stop, Napoleonic woman who dreamed of being a CFO of a software company has given way to an introspective slow motioned girl who looks up to the stars and dreams now of days that will or won’t come.
The burdens can be tough to bear, sleepless nights of anxiety, debilitating pain as the disease seeps slowly into my bones, fear of facing yet another year let alone a day of needles and poisonous drugs, and having the children home for summer. Yet I have received so many gifts, the ability to hear the wind through my backyard trees and wind chimes dance in the night, friends whose strong hugs and hand holding have given me warmth on the coldest of days, and having my children home with me to enjoy the laughter that comes from summer.
I asked my friends to raise a pint with me, now I’m wondering if a few friends would like to walk for a moment (and not very far) with me. Bainbridge is part of a wonderful thing called the “Relay for Life”, sponsored by the American Cancer Society. I’ve decided to try to walk a lap or two. Yes, the American Cancer Society is all about raising money, but I’m not walking because of that. There is a deafening darkness that creeps into your soul every hour that you have cancer. I want to walk a lap or two in the night to show that I’m not afraid of the darkness and I will continue on with my journey no matter how much I’d just like to lay down on the track and call it quits.
I will be walking in the Relay for Life on July 18th at 10 p.m. at Bainbridge High School. I hope to be accompanied by a couple of fabulous runners – who are friends of my son – but I hope a few more friends will show up. My goal is to do at least one lap - slowly. The superwoman in me wants to do 5 laps, but that might be pushing it. For me, this isn’t about the money – it’s the doing. I was going to try to get a corporate sponsor and get some cool pink t-shirts with the TeamJoan logo on it….but, hey I’ve got cancer. I can’t take on the world anymore; I’m just taking on me. Please join me, if you can.
To register please go to…..
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?pg=entry&fr_id=17756
and look for me…
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