So my “D” Day or “C” Day has come and gone. And yes for just a minute or hour so, I’m
delaying giving you the results of my fun filled tests that oh so warms my
heart. (Please note – that is sarcasm). I probably need to do a quick recap for those
who are uninformed as to my current clinical situation……
So yes, I have cancer.
(I can hear my friends think to themselves, Geez Louise, what are you
going back to the beginning of this escapade? Do we all have to go through 5 years of whine,
whine, whine? Get on with it. If the newbie’s don’t know what’s going on –
tell them to read your blog from the beginning at http://justjudge.blogspot.com). Okay, okay how about I start from hmm……this
past January.
In January, I went to see my docs to get my favorite chemo
cocktail. I’ve been lucky; so far the
drug has kept my cancer at bay. Anyway,
let’s just stick the facts. First thing
Dr. Goodman said – Had you have your flu shot.
No, I don’t believe in it. I
think your body should try to fight the virus on its own. Nope – you need a flu shot. Laurie, get the needle. Blood counts look good, no lumps, other
numbers great. See you in March – we’re
going to run the usual barrage of tests.
Do I have to have the shot…..YES.
Laurie appears with the needle.
This may hurt for a few days, you might also get a fever – let us know
if it goes over 101 degrees. Ouch, that
hurt. Dr. Goodman pops his head in……BTW,
Happy Birthday. You’re a month early. Better early than never. Arh, Arh.
So guess what I got for an early birthday present – give the
person in back who said the flu a million dollars. Yes, I got the flu mixed with my usual
malaise I get from my chemo cocktail. I
went from feeling bad to really feeling bad.
Snotty nose, sore throat, fever (but never over 100.8), chills and cough
had become my friends. Next thing you
know, Hannah has it, Emma grabs from her sister, Dylan gets it (although he
says he picked it up in S.F. before coming up here). We’re buying stock in Kleenex. I feel like a commercial for Ricola and Vicks
cough drops. The germs are swilling
around our house, poor Rainer is playing nursemaid to us all until he himself finally
joins the party. Hack, hack. Cough, cough.
Good thing I had plenty of frozen soup made last fall in the freezer. The children got well first. It’s amazing how resilient they are. Rainer and I are taking turns in visiting our
GP doctor. Cough medicine laced with
codeine as the cough turns into bronchitis for Rainer, pneumonia for me. Rainer
gets better, I get worse. I’m hacking up
a lung and he’s off to work to escape my loud seal calls. I’m even forced to do 10 days of in prison –
the dreaded bed rest. Yuck.
March rolls in…..I’m still hacking. I tell Dr. Goodman that I’ll never have
another flu shot. I’ll spare you the
details of my torturous tests. March
results…….hmmm. You’ve broken your
back. Huh? It looks like you broke your clavicle right
here – could be from your lower bone density but more likely your cough. He shows me the scans and I watch my sternum
react to a cough and yep it lights a fierce orange. Looks like it’s beginning to heal. No lifting, gardening, etc. Your sternum is hot but that’s probably from
the cough. However we’re concerned about
up here – he scrolls the movie video of my body to some lymph nodes above my
lungs near my heart. He’s pointing at
pin pricks. I can barely see the tumors;
they look like small stars in deep space.
Hmmm. Doctors converse back and forth. (I’m a case study – they even have my DNA and
everything). We’re going to double your
oral chemo, plus increase today’s chemo cocktail. We’ll start doing pictures every two weeks to
monitor the growth. Shouldn’t we start hard chemo (translation –
loose hair, loose 80 lbs, throw up every 20 minutes, don’t sleep for fear that
you’ll never wake up). No, once we’ve
used a hard chemo drug you can’t have it again.
Let’s tackle the problem with what’s been working. Okay – worst case scenario, what happens if
it keeps growing? Cluck, cluck, my
doctors sound like chickens as they talk in Latin. Open heart surgery, crack chest, scoop out
cancer, remove lymph nodes here and here, Goodman points to the pin prick
stars. Then we’ll tackle with hard
chemo. I’m pacing now, I feel like a
trapped tiger. The room seems smaller,
my ears are ringing. Deep breathe. Can’t you radiate the cancer? No, you can’t radiate the heart. Already the team is breaking up, my twelve
doctors are off to other patients.
Conference phone hung up. Three Radiologists
sneak out heads together like the three witches from Macbeth. Dr.
Goodman is manhandling me out the door, giving new med orders to Laurie,
telling Jessy my schedule for the next few months. My ears are still ringing, but you put your
feet one foot in front of each other, walk slowly and paste a smile on your
face as you walk out to where your friends are waiting for you.
Fast forward to July……Confidence is high. Yes, I still have the hacking cough. My recent visits to my internist ends with
let’s see what shows up on the scans.
Cough, cough. I express
confidence, however know the cancer has spread to my lungs. Three day torture diet and no homemade apple
pie that I made for the 4th, I’m ready to hear the news. There he is……Dr. Goodman. No phone calls this time, good news I
think. So how’s it going? I still have the cough. Don’t know why, you’re lungs are as clear as the
blue sky. Shoulders drop, relief spreads.
The tumors near your heart haven’t grown at all. They are still showing hot; however they seem
to be fading. I think I feel happiness beginning
to bloom in my heart. However…….I hate
that word. You have three tumors on your
spine. He pulls up the scans and shows
me the tumors, orange basketballs – well maybe grapefruits (I know, I know
grapefruit are yellow but you get the analogy).
Plus this lower tumor has jumped from your spine to your pelvis. I guess that cancer cells were partying hard
and didn’t have enough food to drink or eat – or perhaps they decided they
wanted a dance floor where they could get down and boogie. I’m pacing, back and forth, back and
forth. Dr. Goodman takes my hand and
gently puts me back into my seat. So
what do we do…….
Enough of the tragedy that plays out, you do not need to
hear all the gory details. I’ve added a
new gruesome mix to my chemo cocktail. I
guess the good thing about this one is it doesn’t make your hair fall out. (However, one of my other drugs thins my
hair). It acts fast…..we should begin to
see some results within 4 weeks. It’s been 3 days on the drugs and I can
already feel the effects of the new chemo settle in. I have a small rash beginning to bloom on my
hands and I’ve got a blister in my mouth.
According to my nurses standing guard over me and refuse to give up on
me, DO NOT EAT ANY RAW FOOD. I guess a
small salad will put me in the hospital for a week. (I was sort of okay with this until Rainer
reminded me tonight that translates to no more guacamole and chips – grrr).
So that’s it. I’ve
got cancer……again. Am I admitting
defeat? NO. Hey, I can do this. Besides, if I loose 80 lbs, I'm going to the Caribbean - I'll be hot.
p.s. To those who
live on Bainbridge Island, I’m going to be jumping the fence on Saturday, July
20th at 10:00 pm. I intend
to walk the track at the High School.
(They used to have a Relay for Life put on by the American Cancer
Society here – but it’s gone now) Please
feel free to come hold hands with me.
Carrie and Nina you’ve walked with me from the start of this, I’m sort of
hoping you’ll show up. Bring your kids,
my kids like to walk backwards and usually lap me over and over. Last year the stars were so bright, no rain,
no fog, just lots of laughs. I’m trying
to convince Emma to play her cello as we walk……but I’m not sure she’ll do it or
not. Perhaps she’ll play if someone
plays French Folk Song and allows her to play the harmony. (She likes to show
off lately).
p.p.s. To those who
don’t live here and are feeling guilty……heh, heh….why don’t you make a donation
to “Swedish Hospital Women’s Cancer Foundation, 801 Broadway, 5th
Floor, Seattle, WA 98122”. Just tell them that I sent you. I owe Swedish a lot (beside money, arh, arh……it’s
late and I’m getting punching with a side of nausea. ) Swedish makes sure I keep on living…..for my
husband, for my children both near and far, for my parents, for beloved friends
far away and for all the best BFF’s a
girl could have who live on Bainbridge – they are all pretty great.
So excuse me……I get to go slather cream all over my face and
hands…….preparation so I don’t blister too bad.
Ni ni all…..See you on Saturday, July 20th at 10:00 p.m. No worries if you can’t make it.
Oh……one more thing my new meds are outrageously expensive……go
to https://www.etsy.com/shop/OctoberSkyJewels
and buy stuff. Also, I’m going to give
the Lynwood Market another shot, hopefully no rain. I’ve got some really cool stuff, if nothing –
go for the summer hemp bracelet, it’s a hit.
The Lynwood Market is sort of like the downtown farmers market, just
cheaper and on the south side of the island.
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