Wondering what to do

Still no sleep and I'm wondering what to do about it. What do other cancer people do when they can't sleep. I just can't turn my mind off......even tears won't shut it down. Ambien, ha!!! Like that works at all.

I just so much want to sleep. I try laying as still as possible but my body starts to twitch. I keep waiting for the sleep just to take over, but it doesn't seem to be in that much of a hurry. And so I write in the deep, dark time of the night.

But what to write about tonight. I'd like to write about my daughter Emma, but I think that's for a more lucid post, rather than when I'm the rambling ghost again.

Thursday is chemo day and I would give anything if I didn't have to do it or do it ever again.

Dylan came home today, he's so excited......he wants to go to Loyola so much. I can hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes. But we still don't know what they are offering in financial aid yet. He's off to another college this next weekend, Washington State. They've accepted him, however he didn't get into the journalism school and has to go as a general elective person. Which I can already tell he's not that excited about. Loyola is so much, Washington not so much......although both expensive. What to do, what to do. I will miss him this weekend. Hey, he's my baby.......sort of, at 5'11" and 18 yrs old.

It's pitch black outside. No moon tonight or if it's out there it's covered by rain clouds. This winter seems like it has gone on forever. Will it never end. Will spring never come. I wear black all the time now. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I'm mourning the loss of normalcy.

How do I feel. Good question, even I'm not sure anymore. The pain in my chest has lessen, but sleep evades me more each day.