Calmer

It's 4:30 am in the morning, still not sleeping. But I'm much more calmer and less frantic. 5 down 1 to go......sort of. After the surgery, I have to do 4 rounds of a taxol chemo, but everyone tells me that's a piece of cake. So don't worry. Right now I'm taking one day, no one hour at a time.

My mom has been a big help this time. I could feel the sickness and nausea settle in the moment the drugs had been pumped into my system. But she's with me all the time, holding my hand when need be, or jumping up and getting me juice - yep Hawaian Punch - my new favorite, rambling and distracting me with inane conversation to keep the nausea at bay, to bringing me some springtime in the form of the most vibrant red and yellow tuplis. I love my mom, I don't know how I can ever pay this forward to her, other than trying my hardest to get well. I know she misses my dad so much and it's been really hard on her to be up here with me instead of being down there with him. And I know that he misses her even more......and I wish he were here too. I love them both so much..

I'm snuggled up with my soft blankie from my cousin. It's a wonder why we take comfort in a soft blankie, a favorite pillow to cuddle with, warm hands to hold when you feel so cold. It's freezing here in Washington, it's near the end of April and it's still spitting snow. What's up with that. Won't springtime ever come, or for that matter the warmth of summer so I don't have to be so cold all the time. Sorry, just grousing here.

This weekend has been determined to be quiet time for me as I go through the hardest part of the chemo and try not to get sick yet again. The girls are off on playdates all weekend, including swimming for Emma. Hannah and I have a date to play card games tomorrow afternoon or if I'm up to it, I think I might have her read a book to me. She's such a good reader, and only in the first grade. I'm very proud. The girls brother, Dylan, is off with his dad to Pullman.....why Pullman, he's off to look at Washinton State University. He was accepted and they are offering him a lot of money. Which we can't just look away from. He has his heart set on Loyola, but we still don't know what they are offering financially yet. And right now, with the doctor's bills piling higher than the sky, and me the main financial provider not working, we are tapped out. It's up to his dad to pay for this one, and unfortunately he can't really afford Loyola either.

I am calmer, I took some pills when I first woke up tonight.....they help keep the nausea at bay. I'm a walking pill popper, but there are some bright spots. The pain in my chest is abating. They still can't tell me if the cancer in the chest is going away. I'll have to have another PET scan - an evil thing that requires me to eat just meat/cheese for three days - to tell what's going on with that pain. There's still some pain, but it lessens each day. I'm still really nauseous but that's the chemo and hopefully with my mom's help I won't end up in the hospital. I'm still loosing weight but at a much slower rate, I think it's because I'm eating so much healthier. Brocoli, another favorite new food.

Well, it's after 5:00 a.m. I'm not sleepy, but I am cold. So I'll go cuddle up in bed. Maybe the I'll be able to catch some of that elusive sleep I pray for. Good night all....