Just waitingti

It's 3:30 in the morning, still no sleep. It's been very difficult, although I did talk with a theraphist this week. It was semi helpful, but the jury is still out on that one.

It's Thursday morning, early granted.....but still Thursday. Today I have number 5 out of 6 chemo treatments. How can I describe how I feel.....dread, over the fact that I'll be throwing up yet again, scared, what if it's not working, anxiety, those long needles being poked yet again into my body, comfort, over the fact that my mom will be going with me and holding my hand, foolish, in the fact that I'm taking a blankie and pillow for comfort, cold, as I've discovered a new side effect of many chemo patients.......that for some reason as the chemo progresses, we get colder and colder. (My poor family, I continue to complain about being cold and turning the thermostat up and they sweat and wear T-Shirts).

My recent mantra is that I want one medical professional to tell me that I'm getting better. Until that happens, I find myself getting more and more anxious as I go through this process. I say all the right words, relax, breathe, you can sleep, you can beat this, you are not alone, the pain is abating. But these are just my words, until I hear it from the professional I sit in the night waiting, wondering, and of course worrying.

Remember the saying from your childhood.....Star Light, Star Bright, first start I see tonight, wish I may, wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight...... I wish someone would tell me that this is going away. And for it to be true.