Can't Sleep

It's 10:59, Sunday night and once again I can't sleep. Everyone in the house is asleep. Rainer's snoring away in the bed next to me, since my Mom has been here she's got the girls trained to be asleep by 8:30 p.m., Mom's downstairs sleeping as well.......although when I'm can't sleep I'm supposed to go down and wake her up. I'm supposed to talk through to her about what bothering me It's just that she's doing so much for me as my caregiver, I don't have the heart to wake her up. Plus tonight I'm not sure just what is bothering me. Ahhhh, I just remembered, I doubt Dylan is asleep yet. He's with his dad, they're coming back from Loyola via car. I talked with them around 7:30 p.m. this evening and they were somewhere outside of Bakersfield, CA on their way to San Francisco.......so they probably are awake with Bruce Springsteen songs blaring on the stereo as they cruise north at 80 miles an hour on on I-5. I think I'm envious. Many, many years ago, my ex and I used to drive down to LA for Springsteen concerts and then drive back in the middle of the night - of course not before we had chili cheese burgers from this great burger joint near UCLA. We were young, who cared about sleep when you had great music blasting on the radio.

I don't know if it's anxiety, stress, illness, the feeling that I'm going to throw up, the hebbie-jeebies, or what......but I just can't sleep. My doctor gave me meds for sleep. Hmmmm, let's see I took that around 9:30 p.m. and it still hasn't started to work. I just can't seem to lay down and turn my mind off. Sometimes.....and this is rather morbid.......I wonder if the reason I don't sleep is because I'm afraid I'm not going to wake up. Can't answer that one.

It's weird what I think of when the house is this quiet. Right now, I'd kill to be snoring along side my husband. Even just listening to his snoring is calming. But no sleep.

The pain has been better and I haven't had to take so many pain pills. Maybe it's because I'm coming off the pain meds.......sounds like I'm rationalizing there doesn't it. Although it's a good thing that the pain in my chest is getting better. But that leads to another puzzle, am I getting better. Are all of the awful drugs in my system killing the buggers that are trying to kill me. Or am I just getting used to the pain, sort of like it's back in the distance and I don't think about it.

Since I'm rambling now at 11:18 at night let's talk about other things important. Work, I've been working again........well now there's a ton of stress for you. Remember I'm type A, and right now everything in my departments seems to be runnning at grade C. Which is killing me that I can't get in the trenches and fix it. I'm trying but I have to go slow. My mind and body are still so weak.

I must admit although I'm exhausted I am comfy. My cousin Michael, the sweetest person on the earth, sent me a cozy, cuddly blankie. I've got it wrapped around me as I sit and type. It's perfect, soft, fuzzy. Think Linus. However, it doesn't help with the sleep.

The anxiety is hitting again.......that's when I start to walk like a ghost throughout the house. I wander from room to room, checking to make sure everyone is there and alive. Sometimes, I even touch the girls just to make sure their still breathing. It's time......I can't sit still any longer. Doesn't Shakespear say something about sleeping......to sleep, perchance to dream. Either way sounds good to me.