It's a rainy, cold, Tuesday. I'm doing better since I got juiced last Friday. I thought I'd post some random thoughts today. First, I'm tired of rainy, cold days.......which I have said before.....but enough is enough. Sunshine, sunshine, we want sunshine.
Maggie, my wonder dog, is laying outside my bedroom door. I can tell she wants to come in and climb in bed with me.......either that or she wants someone to take her outside and run with her.
I worked for awhile today, while my mom did wash. She says it's her goal in life to do all my wash up before she leaves here. Hmmm, looks like she'll never be leaving. I like to work, I wish I could go into the office and work, but I'm too wobbly.
My mom says I must be feeling better because I'm complaining alot. Who me? How would you feel if you lived in chemo land. The land of throw up, bad taste and hair lose. I find new and unusual things each day in chemo land. Here's one for you.....my tongue always feels like it's numb. So that when I talk I am constantly worried about drool and whether or not my words are clear.
My mom and I are constantly making lists. What we're going to do, what we're going to eat, what needs to be bought from the store. She's going to go grocery shopping tomorrow and leave me here to fend for myself. See, I am getting better, she wouldn't have done that before. Tomorrow's list consists of Gatorade - I need the electrolytes - and special ingredients for our Cinco De Mayo celebration meal this Sunday. Think it will be sunny then, I sure hope so.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Hospital
Tomorrow, or today as it's really early in the morning already, I'm going into the hospital. I've been sick yet again, throwing up, loosing too much weight, dyhdrated. Normally, they would be taking me screaming into the hospital. But not today, I'm dizzy and I know it's time to go.
Yes, they're going to poke and prode but once they get the meds down me I'll start to feel better. Cross your fingers. Plus this time my mom will be there and she can hold my hand. It's just that little power of someone holding your hand that makes it all the more simplier.
Yes, they're going to poke and prode but once they get the meds down me I'll start to feel better. Cross your fingers. Plus this time my mom will be there and she can hold my hand. It's just that little power of someone holding your hand that makes it all the more simplier.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Rambling
It's day four after chemo and I think I've come to the conclusion that chemo is an accumulated sickness. I feel sicker now that after the first, second or even third chemo treatment. It's like the sickness accumulates as you wait for the poison to kill the cancer.
I am waiting, with my Mom. We have been rambling all day today. She listens to my tears and agonies and keeps me going with conversations. I am not sure what we talk about, words of loves and regrets, holding hands when the tears come, whispers that it will be okay when all I want to do is throw up. Soon, the sickness should start to fad, but in the meantime we keep rambling.
Rainer is rambling too. He's been in the garden on this still winter day, pulling weeds and planting seeds. The girls were off on a play date allowing me the time to be ill without them seeing me be ill. Dylan is rambling through Eastern Washington as he visits Washington State.
And we just keep rambling along waiting for the sickness to go away.
I am waiting, with my Mom. We have been rambling all day today. She listens to my tears and agonies and keeps me going with conversations. I am not sure what we talk about, words of loves and regrets, holding hands when the tears come, whispers that it will be okay when all I want to do is throw up. Soon, the sickness should start to fad, but in the meantime we keep rambling.
Rainer is rambling too. He's been in the garden on this still winter day, pulling weeds and planting seeds. The girls were off on a play date allowing me the time to be ill without them seeing me be ill. Dylan is rambling through Eastern Washington as he visits Washington State.
And we just keep rambling along waiting for the sickness to go away.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Calmer
It's 4:30 am in the morning, still not sleeping. But I'm much more calmer and less frantic. 5 down 1 to go......sort of. After the surgery, I have to do 4 rounds of a taxol chemo, but everyone tells me that's a piece of cake. So don't worry. Right now I'm taking one day, no one hour at a time.
My mom has been a big help this time. I could feel the sickness and nausea settle in the moment the drugs had been pumped into my system. But she's with me all the time, holding my hand when need be, or jumping up and getting me juice - yep Hawaian Punch - my new favorite, rambling and distracting me with inane conversation to keep the nausea at bay, to bringing me some springtime in the form of the most vibrant red and yellow tuplis. I love my mom, I don't know how I can ever pay this forward to her, other than trying my hardest to get well. I know she misses my dad so much and it's been really hard on her to be up here with me instead of being down there with him. And I know that he misses her even more......and I wish he were here too. I love them both so much..
I'm snuggled up with my soft blankie from my cousin. It's a wonder why we take comfort in a soft blankie, a favorite pillow to cuddle with, warm hands to hold when you feel so cold. It's freezing here in Washington, it's near the end of April and it's still spitting snow. What's up with that. Won't springtime ever come, or for that matter the warmth of summer so I don't have to be so cold all the time. Sorry, just grousing here.
This weekend has been determined to be quiet time for me as I go through the hardest part of the chemo and try not to get sick yet again. The girls are off on playdates all weekend, including swimming for Emma. Hannah and I have a date to play card games tomorrow afternoon or if I'm up to it, I think I might have her read a book to me. She's such a good reader, and only in the first grade. I'm very proud. The girls brother, Dylan, is off with his dad to Pullman.....why Pullman, he's off to look at Washinton State University. He was accepted and they are offering him a lot of money. Which we can't just look away from. He has his heart set on Loyola, but we still don't know what they are offering financially yet. And right now, with the doctor's bills piling higher than the sky, and me the main financial provider not working, we are tapped out. It's up to his dad to pay for this one, and unfortunately he can't really afford Loyola either.
I am calmer, I took some pills when I first woke up tonight.....they help keep the nausea at bay. I'm a walking pill popper, but there are some bright spots. The pain in my chest is abating. They still can't tell me if the cancer in the chest is going away. I'll have to have another PET scan - an evil thing that requires me to eat just meat/cheese for three days - to tell what's going on with that pain. There's still some pain, but it lessens each day. I'm still really nauseous but that's the chemo and hopefully with my mom's help I won't end up in the hospital. I'm still loosing weight but at a much slower rate, I think it's because I'm eating so much healthier. Brocoli, another favorite new food.
Well, it's after 5:00 a.m. I'm not sleepy, but I am cold. So I'll go cuddle up in bed. Maybe the I'll be able to catch some of that elusive sleep I pray for. Good night all....
My mom has been a big help this time. I could feel the sickness and nausea settle in the moment the drugs had been pumped into my system. But she's with me all the time, holding my hand when need be, or jumping up and getting me juice - yep Hawaian Punch - my new favorite, rambling and distracting me with inane conversation to keep the nausea at bay, to bringing me some springtime in the form of the most vibrant red and yellow tuplis. I love my mom, I don't know how I can ever pay this forward to her, other than trying my hardest to get well. I know she misses my dad so much and it's been really hard on her to be up here with me instead of being down there with him. And I know that he misses her even more......and I wish he were here too. I love them both so much..
I'm snuggled up with my soft blankie from my cousin. It's a wonder why we take comfort in a soft blankie, a favorite pillow to cuddle with, warm hands to hold when you feel so cold. It's freezing here in Washington, it's near the end of April and it's still spitting snow. What's up with that. Won't springtime ever come, or for that matter the warmth of summer so I don't have to be so cold all the time. Sorry, just grousing here.
This weekend has been determined to be quiet time for me as I go through the hardest part of the chemo and try not to get sick yet again. The girls are off on playdates all weekend, including swimming for Emma. Hannah and I have a date to play card games tomorrow afternoon or if I'm up to it, I think I might have her read a book to me. She's such a good reader, and only in the first grade. I'm very proud. The girls brother, Dylan, is off with his dad to Pullman.....why Pullman, he's off to look at Washinton State University. He was accepted and they are offering him a lot of money. Which we can't just look away from. He has his heart set on Loyola, but we still don't know what they are offering financially yet. And right now, with the doctor's bills piling higher than the sky, and me the main financial provider not working, we are tapped out. It's up to his dad to pay for this one, and unfortunately he can't really afford Loyola either.
I am calmer, I took some pills when I first woke up tonight.....they help keep the nausea at bay. I'm a walking pill popper, but there are some bright spots. The pain in my chest is abating. They still can't tell me if the cancer in the chest is going away. I'll have to have another PET scan - an evil thing that requires me to eat just meat/cheese for three days - to tell what's going on with that pain. There's still some pain, but it lessens each day. I'm still really nauseous but that's the chemo and hopefully with my mom's help I won't end up in the hospital. I'm still loosing weight but at a much slower rate, I think it's because I'm eating so much healthier. Brocoli, another favorite new food.
Well, it's after 5:00 a.m. I'm not sleepy, but I am cold. So I'll go cuddle up in bed. Maybe the I'll be able to catch some of that elusive sleep I pray for. Good night all....
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Just waitingti
It's 3:30 in the morning, still no sleep. It's been very difficult, although I did talk with a theraphist this week. It was semi helpful, but the jury is still out on that one.
It's Thursday morning, early granted.....but still Thursday. Today I have number 5 out of 6 chemo treatments. How can I describe how I feel.....dread, over the fact that I'll be throwing up yet again, scared, what if it's not working, anxiety, those long needles being poked yet again into my body, comfort, over the fact that my mom will be going with me and holding my hand, foolish, in the fact that I'm taking a blankie and pillow for comfort, cold, as I've discovered a new side effect of many chemo patients.......that for some reason as the chemo progresses, we get colder and colder. (My poor family, I continue to complain about being cold and turning the thermostat up and they sweat and wear T-Shirts).
My recent mantra is that I want one medical professional to tell me that I'm getting better. Until that happens, I find myself getting more and more anxious as I go through this process. I say all the right words, relax, breathe, you can sleep, you can beat this, you are not alone, the pain is abating. But these are just my words, until I hear it from the professional I sit in the night waiting, wondering, and of course worrying.
Remember the saying from your childhood.....Star Light, Star Bright, first start I see tonight, wish I may, wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight...... I wish someone would tell me that this is going away. And for it to be true.
It's Thursday morning, early granted.....but still Thursday. Today I have number 5 out of 6 chemo treatments. How can I describe how I feel.....dread, over the fact that I'll be throwing up yet again, scared, what if it's not working, anxiety, those long needles being poked yet again into my body, comfort, over the fact that my mom will be going with me and holding my hand, foolish, in the fact that I'm taking a blankie and pillow for comfort, cold, as I've discovered a new side effect of many chemo patients.......that for some reason as the chemo progresses, we get colder and colder. (My poor family, I continue to complain about being cold and turning the thermostat up and they sweat and wear T-Shirts).
My recent mantra is that I want one medical professional to tell me that I'm getting better. Until that happens, I find myself getting more and more anxious as I go through this process. I say all the right words, relax, breathe, you can sleep, you can beat this, you are not alone, the pain is abating. But these are just my words, until I hear it from the professional I sit in the night waiting, wondering, and of course worrying.
Remember the saying from your childhood.....Star Light, Star Bright, first start I see tonight, wish I may, wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight...... I wish someone would tell me that this is going away. And for it to be true.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Emma
Tonight, I wanted to talk about my youngest, Emma. Emma is five years old. She was my surprise child. When we moved up to Bainbridge Island we were so happy and relaxed, little did we know that we were a little too happy and relaxed. And rather having a nice ulcer, I got wonderful little girl that we named Emma.
We say that Emma marches to her own tune. Here’s an example of what I mean. Last fall in support of our son, who is a senior at Bainbridge High, we attended all of the football home games in good weather and bad. Our son, of course, would ditch us and stand with his friends while yelling his head off as he cheered his team on to the thrill of victory or agony of defeat. My other daughter, the 7 year old, was fascinated by the cheerleaders and tried to emulate them, telling us over and over as she would wave her arms and legs how she wanted to be a cheerleader when she got into high school. Emma would just take everything in, the people, the noise, of course the food – there were never enough hot dogs even though she had been to Mickey D’s for dinner beforehand. Once when I asked her if she wanted to stand on the sidelines like her brother or if she wanted to be cheerleader like her sister, her comment to me was……No, I just want to be apart of the band. That’s my Emma.
She’s really quite beautiful in her own way too. Hannah, her older sister is pretty. And everyone says that Emma looks just like Hannah, but she’s different and it’s her difference that makes her truly beautiful. But, hey……I’m just her mom. My glasses are a little rose colored as it is.
One thing about Emma she is also my noisiest child, but not in the verbal way…..in a physical way. When Emma moves throughout the house, you know it. Her footsteps are like thunder. Her brother probably out weighs her by 5 times, but he walks like a panther to her elephant steps. At night you can hear her get up in the middle of the night as she thunders from her room to bathroom as she makes her a potty run, that and the fact that she also turns on every light in the house in her wake. Then I usually get up and turn off all the lights and make sure she’s back in bed asleep and cover her up with first her blankie, then her sheet followed by her comforter.
However since I got cancer, she has a new midnight routine. Yes, she still thunders though the house, and yes every light is turned on in her wake…..but first before going potty, she appears out of thin air at my bed and with lights blazing startles me awake. “Emma?” “I just wanted to make sure you were still here Mama.” “I’m still here sweetie, do you need to go potty?” “Yes”, “Well, you better go then shouldn’t you” and off she’d thunder, lights blazing to the bathroom to get her business done. And I get up and turn off my bedroom light, followed by the bathroom, hallway, and finally even her own bedroom light, making sure she was tucked into her bed.
Things have changed since that first time, I’ve been so sick that at times I’ve asked her to turn the lights off and have been unable to tuck her back in. But I still tell her that I’m still here…….and I hope with all my heart I will always be here.
We say that Emma marches to her own tune. Here’s an example of what I mean. Last fall in support of our son, who is a senior at Bainbridge High, we attended all of the football home games in good weather and bad. Our son, of course, would ditch us and stand with his friends while yelling his head off as he cheered his team on to the thrill of victory or agony of defeat. My other daughter, the 7 year old, was fascinated by the cheerleaders and tried to emulate them, telling us over and over as she would wave her arms and legs how she wanted to be a cheerleader when she got into high school. Emma would just take everything in, the people, the noise, of course the food – there were never enough hot dogs even though she had been to Mickey D’s for dinner beforehand. Once when I asked her if she wanted to stand on the sidelines like her brother or if she wanted to be cheerleader like her sister, her comment to me was……No, I just want to be apart of the band. That’s my Emma.
She’s really quite beautiful in her own way too. Hannah, her older sister is pretty. And everyone says that Emma looks just like Hannah, but she’s different and it’s her difference that makes her truly beautiful. But, hey……I’m just her mom. My glasses are a little rose colored as it is.
One thing about Emma she is also my noisiest child, but not in the verbal way…..in a physical way. When Emma moves throughout the house, you know it. Her footsteps are like thunder. Her brother probably out weighs her by 5 times, but he walks like a panther to her elephant steps. At night you can hear her get up in the middle of the night as she thunders from her room to bathroom as she makes her a potty run, that and the fact that she also turns on every light in the house in her wake. Then I usually get up and turn off all the lights and make sure she’s back in bed asleep and cover her up with first her blankie, then her sheet followed by her comforter.
However since I got cancer, she has a new midnight routine. Yes, she still thunders though the house, and yes every light is turned on in her wake…..but first before going potty, she appears out of thin air at my bed and with lights blazing startles me awake. “Emma?” “I just wanted to make sure you were still here Mama.” “I’m still here sweetie, do you need to go potty?” “Yes”, “Well, you better go then shouldn’t you” and off she’d thunder, lights blazing to the bathroom to get her business done. And I get up and turn off my bedroom light, followed by the bathroom, hallway, and finally even her own bedroom light, making sure she was tucked into her bed.
Things have changed since that first time, I’ve been so sick that at times I’ve asked her to turn the lights off and have been unable to tuck her back in. But I still tell her that I’m still here…….and I hope with all my heart I will always be here.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Wondering what to do
Still no sleep and I'm wondering what to do about it. What do other cancer people do when they can't sleep. I just can't turn my mind off......even tears won't shut it down. Ambien, ha!!! Like that works at all.
I just so much want to sleep. I try laying as still as possible but my body starts to twitch. I keep waiting for the sleep just to take over, but it doesn't seem to be in that much of a hurry. And so I write in the deep, dark time of the night.
But what to write about tonight. I'd like to write about my daughter Emma, but I think that's for a more lucid post, rather than when I'm the rambling ghost again.
Thursday is chemo day and I would give anything if I didn't have to do it or do it ever again.
Dylan came home today, he's so excited......he wants to go to Loyola so much. I can hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes. But we still don't know what they are offering in financial aid yet. He's off to another college this next weekend, Washington State. They've accepted him, however he didn't get into the journalism school and has to go as a general elective person. Which I can already tell he's not that excited about. Loyola is so much, Washington not so much......although both expensive. What to do, what to do. I will miss him this weekend. Hey, he's my baby.......sort of, at 5'11" and 18 yrs old.
It's pitch black outside. No moon tonight or if it's out there it's covered by rain clouds. This winter seems like it has gone on forever. Will it never end. Will spring never come. I wear black all the time now. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I'm mourning the loss of normalcy.
How do I feel. Good question, even I'm not sure anymore. The pain in my chest has lessen, but sleep evades me more each day.
I just so much want to sleep. I try laying as still as possible but my body starts to twitch. I keep waiting for the sleep just to take over, but it doesn't seem to be in that much of a hurry. And so I write in the deep, dark time of the night.
But what to write about tonight. I'd like to write about my daughter Emma, but I think that's for a more lucid post, rather than when I'm the rambling ghost again.
Thursday is chemo day and I would give anything if I didn't have to do it or do it ever again.
Dylan came home today, he's so excited......he wants to go to Loyola so much. I can hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes. But we still don't know what they are offering in financial aid yet. He's off to another college this next weekend, Washington State. They've accepted him, however he didn't get into the journalism school and has to go as a general elective person. Which I can already tell he's not that excited about. Loyola is so much, Washington not so much......although both expensive. What to do, what to do. I will miss him this weekend. Hey, he's my baby.......sort of, at 5'11" and 18 yrs old.
It's pitch black outside. No moon tonight or if it's out there it's covered by rain clouds. This winter seems like it has gone on forever. Will it never end. Will spring never come. I wear black all the time now. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I'm mourning the loss of normalcy.
How do I feel. Good question, even I'm not sure anymore. The pain in my chest has lessen, but sleep evades me more each day.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Can't Sleep
It's 10:59, Sunday night and once again I can't sleep. Everyone in the house is asleep. Rainer's snoring away in the bed next to me, since my Mom has been here she's got the girls trained to be asleep by 8:30 p.m., Mom's downstairs sleeping as well.......although when I'm can't sleep I'm supposed to go down and wake her up. I'm supposed to talk through to her about what bothering me It's just that she's doing so much for me as my caregiver, I don't have the heart to wake her up. Plus tonight I'm not sure just what is bothering me. Ahhhh, I just remembered, I doubt Dylan is asleep yet. He's with his dad, they're coming back from Loyola via car. I talked with them around 7:30 p.m. this evening and they were somewhere outside of Bakersfield, CA on their way to San Francisco.......so they probably are awake with Bruce Springsteen songs blaring on the stereo as they cruise north at 80 miles an hour on on I-5. I think I'm envious. Many, many years ago, my ex and I used to drive down to LA for Springsteen concerts and then drive back in the middle of the night - of course not before we had chili cheese burgers from this great burger joint near UCLA. We were young, who cared about sleep when you had great music blasting on the radio.
I don't know if it's anxiety, stress, illness, the feeling that I'm going to throw up, the hebbie-jeebies, or what......but I just can't sleep. My doctor gave me meds for sleep. Hmmmm, let's see I took that around 9:30 p.m. and it still hasn't started to work. I just can't seem to lay down and turn my mind off. Sometimes.....and this is rather morbid.......I wonder if the reason I don't sleep is because I'm afraid I'm not going to wake up. Can't answer that one.
It's weird what I think of when the house is this quiet. Right now, I'd kill to be snoring along side my husband. Even just listening to his snoring is calming. But no sleep.
The pain has been better and I haven't had to take so many pain pills. Maybe it's because I'm coming off the pain meds.......sounds like I'm rationalizing there doesn't it. Although it's a good thing that the pain in my chest is getting better. But that leads to another puzzle, am I getting better. Are all of the awful drugs in my system killing the buggers that are trying to kill me. Or am I just getting used to the pain, sort of like it's back in the distance and I don't think about it.
Since I'm rambling now at 11:18 at night let's talk about other things important. Work, I've been working again........well now there's a ton of stress for you. Remember I'm type A, and right now everything in my departments seems to be runnning at grade C. Which is killing me that I can't get in the trenches and fix it. I'm trying but I have to go slow. My mind and body are still so weak.
I must admit although I'm exhausted I am comfy. My cousin Michael, the sweetest person on the earth, sent me a cozy, cuddly blankie. I've got it wrapped around me as I sit and type. It's perfect, soft, fuzzy. Think Linus. However, it doesn't help with the sleep.
The anxiety is hitting again.......that's when I start to walk like a ghost throughout the house. I wander from room to room, checking to make sure everyone is there and alive. Sometimes, I even touch the girls just to make sure their still breathing. It's time......I can't sit still any longer. Doesn't Shakespear say something about sleeping......to sleep, perchance to dream. Either way sounds good to me.
I don't know if it's anxiety, stress, illness, the feeling that I'm going to throw up, the hebbie-jeebies, or what......but I just can't sleep. My doctor gave me meds for sleep. Hmmmm, let's see I took that around 9:30 p.m. and it still hasn't started to work. I just can't seem to lay down and turn my mind off. Sometimes.....and this is rather morbid.......I wonder if the reason I don't sleep is because I'm afraid I'm not going to wake up. Can't answer that one.
It's weird what I think of when the house is this quiet. Right now, I'd kill to be snoring along side my husband. Even just listening to his snoring is calming. But no sleep.
The pain has been better and I haven't had to take so many pain pills. Maybe it's because I'm coming off the pain meds.......sounds like I'm rationalizing there doesn't it. Although it's a good thing that the pain in my chest is getting better. But that leads to another puzzle, am I getting better. Are all of the awful drugs in my system killing the buggers that are trying to kill me. Or am I just getting used to the pain, sort of like it's back in the distance and I don't think about it.
Since I'm rambling now at 11:18 at night let's talk about other things important. Work, I've been working again........well now there's a ton of stress for you. Remember I'm type A, and right now everything in my departments seems to be runnning at grade C. Which is killing me that I can't get in the trenches and fix it. I'm trying but I have to go slow. My mind and body are still so weak.
I must admit although I'm exhausted I am comfy. My cousin Michael, the sweetest person on the earth, sent me a cozy, cuddly blankie. I've got it wrapped around me as I sit and type. It's perfect, soft, fuzzy. Think Linus. However, it doesn't help with the sleep.
The anxiety is hitting again.......that's when I start to walk like a ghost throughout the house. I wander from room to room, checking to make sure everyone is there and alive. Sometimes, I even touch the girls just to make sure their still breathing. It's time......I can't sit still any longer. Doesn't Shakespear say something about sleeping......to sleep, perchance to dream. Either way sounds good to me.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
.........How ya doing.......
I wish that I could say that I'm doing fine.....that all was well. But I'm not. It's so frustrating. I feel like I take one step forward and then take three steps back. I'm back to throwing up every hour........and the worst part is they don't know why.
That's the big question I ask myself each day. Why am I throwing up, why do I have this pain in my chest, why is this happening to me, why, why, why. I keep asking. There just never seems to be an answer. Crying doesn't help. It occasionally relieves but never helps.
There are few bright spots.......and they are far between. Today, my son found out he's been accepted to Loyola Marymount University. Woo-hoo!!!! As I lean over the sink and celebrate by throwing up, yet again. And wonder when.......when will this go away.
That's the big question I ask myself each day. Why am I throwing up, why do I have this pain in my chest, why is this happening to me, why, why, why. I keep asking. There just never seems to be an answer. Crying doesn't help. It occasionally relieves but never helps.
There are few bright spots.......and they are far between. Today, my son found out he's been accepted to Loyola Marymount University. Woo-hoo!!!! As I lean over the sink and celebrate by throwing up, yet again. And wonder when.......when will this go away.
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