Tomorrow is my last hard chemo. I don't want to go, it's been so much harder than I ever thought it would be. But I'll go. Lately, I've been very emotional. I find myself crying all the time. It's like the chemo is winning and I've been dying little by little. But I fight it, just as I try to fight the cancer. I want to win this battle so much.
I've been very sick. I've lost a lot of weight. They tell me it's good that I'm heavy, that I'm lucky to have the weight during this battle. But it's been hard, I can bearly eat anymore. Nothing, not even tacos taste good. Many times I don't even want to put the fork with the food in my mouth. It is so hard to get the food to go down. Any more times than naught the food hasn't stayed down. But I fight, I fight to eat and I fight to win.
And I win little by little. This week I went into the office to work, rather than working from my bed. Yes, I have kept working during my illness. I think I would have gone crazy had a not been able to work during my illness. When I saw my boss, I broke down and just cryed and cryed. I missed him so much I was overwhelmed to know that he still needed me and wanted me back in the office. I was only going to stay an hour, but as usual stayed longer and worked more than I should. I like to work and worked a lot this week. I didn't finish everything but it was nice to know that I could work as hard and as long as I did.
And tomorrow I go again into battle. It will be my last hard chemo, my last round of "AC". How I dread it. To know that for the next two weeks the poison will take control and I'll have to battle yet again. I hate this cancer, I want to win so bad. So I'll go.....and pray that I continue to win.
2 comments:
HI Joan-yes, your going to fight with everything you have. You are fighting for yourself, your beautiful children and your adoring husband. If there are any doubts, just think of them and it will give you strength to fight some more!I am so glad your Mom is there with you-she called me from the car the other day while you were working.She sounds good and we miss her and your Dad a lot. Keep up the good work, Joan-we are thinking and praying for you everyday. My daughter Julie, is working out as she and her "Team Joan" will be doing the 60 mile walk in San Diego next November for the Susan G.Komen Breast Cancer walk. This raises a lot of money for Breast Cancer research. Thinking of You! Love, Linda
Joan,
I know your feeling rotten again after your latest and last round of chemo, but that's one big step done. In a week everythings going to look much better.
Happy Mother's Day to you and a special Happy Mother's Day to your Mom, Carolyn. She has, in her own vernacular, been "Super" during these last couple of months. HOld on Carolyn, a break is on the way.
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