Sad times

I know that I should be happy, I'm getting stronger every week. I've finished phase I, the hard chemo days are behind me. I even went into the office this week to work rather than working from bed. However, I'm very sad.

Why you ask, because my mom left this week. She's coming back, however for the past eight weeks, my mom has been my number one supporter, primary cheerleader, the person who held my hand the tightest when I felt so bad I wanted to just die, the one who help me learn to eat again. It was probably the longest time I spent with my mother since I was eighteen. She's older now, but the love was still there. The love I felt when I was five and starting big scary kindergarden, the love I felt when I was hormone crazed thirteen year old teenager, and the love I felt when I left home and went to live on my own.

My mom took care of me and my family for the last eight weeks. She managed my house with love and care even when it was a huge job for her and tired her to the point of exhaustion every night. At night while still very sick, I would hear her sing to my girls as she would put them to bed. I relearned songs from years gone by, chick-a-dee, chick-a-dee, happy and gay. I could hear her love from her voice as she would patiently sing the same songs over every night. She took over the wash, making sure the girls clothes were clean and folded. She would talk to Rainer, giving him the love he was desparately looking for but too embarassed to ask for. She was just hard enough on Dylan to make sure that he knew he still was part of a family and it needed him as much he needed them.

The first day she was gone, I sobbed uncontrollably for hours on end. I felt as my will to live had been taken away even though I knew she was coming back. It's now been three days and I still find myself crying because she isn't here to hold my hand and to take pride in the strength I am regaining each day. I miss her so much.

She is coming back though and is bringing my father with her. I can't wait to see my dad, even though I'm so worried that he will break down when he sees me. The woman I was before is gone and I still wait for her to come back. Unfortunately, he will see the weakling I've become, hairless, chapped lipped, a stranger even to myself. My mom coming back to help me through Phase II, the mastectomy.

And so I wait. She will be back soon, and I will be stronger. Sometimes as we get older, we forget what our moms were like and what they did for us. I now remember what it's like to have a mother again. I love my mom and I miss her.