Tears

I am crying tonight. I am full of grief and pain. I am crying all over a stupid old medical bill. I hate that I have this cancer; I hate what it’s doing to me. And I hate what it’s going to cost me.

Earlier this year, I had a problem with skin cancer. In no way was it related to my current condition, more likely the skin cancer was from sheer stupidity on my part. As a kid, I lived in the sun. We all did. I swam, I played, and I lived. But I was stupid. What did I, or any one else for that matter, know about sun damage. I was a fair skinned freckled face who tried to get a tan. Except that I didn’t tan, I turned the color of beets. The cancer was an inconvenience but I dealt with it. The doctors carved out a piece of my left hand and got rid of the cancer. They left behind a Frankenstein scar that I’ve grown sort of fond of. The hand is so-so (I still can’t get my wedding ring on – which peeves me no end), I’ve got a groovy scar, and the cancer is gone. However my little inconvenience with cancer left behind mountain of medical bills that I’ve been dealing with.

I thought medical bills were under control. I was making monthly payments and the mountain had become a molehill. Or so I thought. However due to some miscommunication with the hospital, the receivable due to the hospital was sold off to an attorney, who in turn filed a summons. They are both sorry, there is nothing they can do….so please pay. So the $300 bill has turned into a $1300 nightmare and I either have to fight it or am going to have to pay it.

But what is even worse than this stupid old medical bill, is the realization that I am going to have even more medical bills. The bills are going to be bigger and worse nightmares. And the little voice inside me tells me what I know and fear. I know that I am eventually going to be forced to sell my home that I love so much to pay these stupid medical bills. I am going to loose my home all because of this stupid cancer. I hate this cancer.

The tears are rolling down my cheeks, I want to scream, I want to yell. I don’t want to loose my home. Part of me knows that I am being irrational, but the feelings are there tonight. I didn’t want this cancer, and I don’t want these bills. Why do I have to do all of this? I love this house more than life itself. But the bills are coming and I will have to pay them. It’s just hard to face the fact that this cancer is costing me so much; it’s eventually going to cost me the home that I love. Yes, I am going to try to fight the $1300 nightmare, but it’s just so hard. I hate this. Can’t this go away, can’t the tears go away.