Side Effects

Yep, it’s true the second chemo treatment is definitely worse than the first. You are more nauseous, you eat less, you sleep less as your heart races faster and the only thing you can do in the bathroom is pee. (Although there are bright moments in the middle of the night, when you race for the bathroom and find relief at hand). You just lie flat in bed waiting for the poison to do its stuff. And you know that on Monday morning, no matter how bad you feel you will get up, get dressed and go to work.

My hair is almost completely gone, everything tastes like burnt toast and my skin rivals the scaliness of a lizard. So I wear cozy knitted hats to keep my head warm, I covet Carne Asada Tacos whenever I can con my boys to go get them for me and a special friend has recommended the wonders of olive oil. Don’t laugh, she would know…..a fabulous pediatrician with a heart wider than the grand canyon…..she recommended this wonder drug. It’s natural, non-allergic, and it’s cheap. I slather it over my skin and believe it or not it works. The wrinkles seem to go away and the skin seems much softer. I know that I smell like a salad and maybe that’s why I’ve been craving lettuce. Of course when it comes to my face, vanity thy name is woman. I pull out the expensive Shiseido face cream that I normally use tiny amounts but now scoop out gobs with my fingers to rub all over my face and pray that somehow it will give me beauty….even though I know the beauty is no longer there, just the horror of a holocaust victim.

We’ve moved the living room T.V. upstairs to the bedroom. I have just been too sick to go downstairs. It’s just too hard to lie of the couch. My girls have cajoled me into watching “Land Before Time” Part Fifty for probably me the millionth time. I don’t what makes me sicker the movie or the chemo. It’s hard on the girls, they know that mommy is sick but they just want to be there to hold my hand and make sure that they are there with me. There are tears and laughter and their smiles and whispers sometimes make me feel just a little bit better.

My mind is racing with all of the things I have to do, like trying to filling out my son’s college financial aid form or writing a spec for work to integrate one system with another. These tasks must be done, and I know that soon or later I’ve got to do them. But right now, the side effects of chemo keep me flat on my back while Rainer sits in the chair next to me watching the Daytona 500.