Are you scared?

Are you scared.....someone recently asked me. "I'm scared shitless", I responded. For the past several weeks, I keep getting more and more bad news. No, you don't have lump, yes, you do have lump....oh, it looks small, no it's pretty big......I doubt its cancer, yes - you have cancer.,....there's some spots on your sternum, I'm not too concerned, we're very concerned - you have a hole in your bone where the cancer has eaten it away.

On the photos, it's black and scary and means I could die. It's that word "die" that just sends me over the edge. I find myself crying rivers, even oceans of tears. My chest is so tight that I can bearly breath and the roaring ringing in my ears never seems to end. I'm dizzy, I'm tired, I just want to go to sleep and wake up and find out this has all been a bad dream. I'm 47, I have a husband, three children, a dog, and two goldfish (that no matter how hard I try to kill by not feeding, they just keep on going and going and going.....much like the pink energizer bunny). I just want to keep on going, I can't die.

And hopefully.....I won't die. But that doesn't mean I'm not scared. I'm scared to be alone, I'm scared to go to the doctors, I'm scared to go to work, I'm scared to start my chemo, I'm scared everytime they stick yet another needle in my arm, I'm scared I won't see my children grow up. I'm scared to ask for help, and what's even worse I'm scared that I know that I'm going to need help. And most of all, I'm scared that that there will be no one there to help me but myself......and I wonder will I be strong enough to do this. I hope so.