How do I feel

How do I feel, I'm not sure. I know that up until a few minutes ago, I was lying in bed and couldn't sleep. Rainer was asleep with his back to me. He has his ear plugs in and and could sleep a through a freight train ....or at least I know he'll sleep through the C-130 that flys 30 feet over our house every night at 4:30 a.m. on it's nightly trip way to Bremerton. I don't know how Rainer feels at all lately......Rainer, rhymes with "finer" or at least that was the line he used on me......guess it worked, because he is fine. He hasn't said much, hasn't told anyone at his office about what's going on, hasn't even told his father or sisters for that matter. I'm giving him his space and all that. But I'm worried.

How do I feel. I'm not sure. I know that something is there.... and that something is there. I feel the cancer, the ever growing hard lump in my left breast, the irritating and dibilitating bone pain from my sternum and chest, the swelling of my underarm from the biopys. It's been there, but now there is something else. The all powerful, all lethal drugs. I had chemotheraphy today. Was it frightening, yes, no, maybe, all of the above. I've never done well at multiple choice questions.

Everything smells and tastes different. There is a pungent taste in my mouth and everything smells ugly. Maggie, the wonderdog is lying and my feet, and I can barely stand to be in the same room with her as she smells so bad.......I just want to throw up from the stink of her. I've already learned, don't eat yogart - it makes me just want to puke. My stomach was growling so much when I woke up that I just tried a piece of bland cheese......the jury is still out on that one.

The chemo wasn't so bad. Most was expected, little thinks unprepared for threw just a bit. Pokes with needles and chemicals coursing through my blood veins. Drugs, drugs, and more drugs.....through the veins, popping pills, in the stomach. Reminds me of the David Gray song.....Moving through the crowd I'm pushing chemicals through my bloodstream.

I'm tired......very tired. I need to finish this glass of water and I think I'll crawl back into bed. I need to sleep.