A glass of wine.....

Tonight I broke down and had a glass of wine. It's Saturday and it's supposed to be my day of rest. However, it has felt nothing like a day of rest. I had planned on laying in bed all day, sleeping occasionally and pretty much do nothing. Oh, the best laid plans of mice and men. Besides, I've learned lying in bed alone, staring at the ceiling isn't all quite it's cracked up to be.

Work yesterday was brutal. It's end of month wrap up, we've got a trillion things going on and my boss is pounding me for information. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's hard work....and normally doesn't bother me. Normally, it's what I thrive on. But these days aren't normal. I came home exhausted and in pain. I slept..... a little and then my Saturday started.

My biggest problem is that I stress myself out. I wanted to do something simple, you know.....pick up around the house. Maybe knit some on the hat for my soon-to-be bald head. Work on some month end reports for my boss. Simple things. But I'm learning simple things are lately the hardest things.

We've got people coming over tomorrow to watch the Super Bowl......America's highest form of entertainment. Don't get me wrong, I'm really, really looking forward to laughter, quarterbacks getting slammed on their buts, and of course all the food snacks - potatoe chips and onion dip, buffalo wings and ranch dip, veggies and dip.....you know, mainly the dip. Yummmm. But trying to pick up the house is like a form of Chinese Water torture these days. I grew frustrated that I just couldn't do it.

I tried laying down and sleeping, hoping to dream away some of the pain and stress. But I couldn't shut my mind down. I kept thinking about work I should be doing. Wishing that I could watch T.V. (No, we are weird - we don't have a T.V. in the bedroom). I tried calming myself by watching the wind blow the trees outside, but even that was boring.

Finally, I came downstairs, popped a few pain pills and tried to knit. Knitting has been to me the greatest form of stress relief in the world. It's calming, it's beautiful, it's warm. It's great to be able to take two needles and jab at yarn, instead of taking jabs at say a co-worker who has been bugging you, or a husband who spends more time playing sudoku games on their computer rather than talking to you, or your son who goes out with friends and forgets to call home. However, the ice pick in my chest just didn't allow for me to sit still and work on my knitting.

I was stressed, my throat hurt, my chest was in pain and even my head hurt. And that's when I said the magic words, "Rainer, I'd like a glass of wine". He didn't say no. I know that he had been watching me all day and had seen my agitation, frustration, pain. Oh yes, I know that he knows that I am hurting. He handed me the wine and I slowly sipped it, letting it's magic work. And magic it was. I relaxed. Things became just a little easier. I was able to knit for a short time, even pounded out another budget for my boss and just plain relaxed. I didn't drink very much just two glasses of wine....but it helped.

It's now after 9:00 pm. The pain is back in full force and I've popped yet some more pills. My son still hasn't called, but I know he's a good kid and if something was truely wrong he would call. Tomorrow, I'm going to lie in bed in the morning and use some good ole guilt on the family to get the house clean.......and who knows, maybe I'll have another glass of wine during the game.

Ain't Dead yet.....

Ain't dead yet, she says in her best Monty Python british accent. Come on, you remember from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail", the injureds knight hoping around on one leg after having both arms and a leg cut off......Come, on, Come on, I'll fight you......I ain't dead yet. I may feel like it, but I'm not.

Week one down, 17 more weeks of chemo to go. I saw my doctor yesterday. I was armed with my notebook in hand, top three concerns boldly written across the page. In order of priority, Pain, Sleep, and the unmentionable, evil nemesis, Constipation. I was extremely agitated by the time I got to my appointment and my mouth was rambling about 120 mph. I had had an earlier finance meeting with a bank that had gone an hour over in time - it was a good meeting, but I hadn't taken my pain meds in the appropriate time and was racked with huge pain. After giving my weekly dose of blood and talking with the cancer psyche counselor and downing a pain pill, I finally felt like I started to settle down.

I met with my doctor and he told me he's a little concern. My plautlet level is down to 2000. He thought if would be around 3000 - I guess normal is 4000. He was also upset that I lost 10 lbs. (when it's now actually 12 lbs - more on that one later). He also could see that I was into sleep deprivation. So I've been told to try to rest more, eat more, and sleep more. I'm going to take Ambien at night - which some people are aghast, but when you lay in bed all night staring at the ceiling praying for the morning.....I'll take the Ambien. I'm supposed to eat many small bland meals - which is hard because nothing tastes good. Currently my new favorite food is Carna Asada Tacos - not for the yummy tomatoes, or steak....but for the lettuce and cilantro hot sauce. And finally he's having me take some over the counter products to battle the constipation.

Constipation is one of the terrible, dirty little secret side effect of cancer that they don't tell you you about. It's from all the meds you take, chemo, pain pills. You become a pill zombie and pop anywhere from 8 to 30 pills a day. Your poor insides just don't know what to do about all of this stuff.....and no matter how much prune juice and roughage you eat, the stuff just piles up inside your plumbing system. I am now taking Collace - 2 pills twice a day and Sennekot, 2 pills twice a day.....like I said, pill popping machine. But I'll tell you what......that Sennekot works. I took it around 3:30 pm yesterday......and around 5:00.....I was having my own little episode of South Park. I was definately putting Cartman to shame.......the stuff just flowed right out. (That's how I lost another 2 lbs) Poor Rainer, he now has to deal with the toilet......and Dylan's comment, Moooommmmm........

I'm okay......still in tons of pain. I know that I'm working way too much and need to stop that. I'm trying to learn.....and it's really hard for a type "A" personality.....to not work 12 hours a day. I need to learn to pace myself. I need to learn to sleep - which is really hard because sometimes the little voice says inside scares me and says "be careful, you may just not wake up".

I'm working on it.......it's just hard to loose control......