Between the Land of Nod

Sometimes we find ourselves thinking before the day begins. You know what I’m talking about…..the time between night and day. We are snuggly warm in our soft comfy beds between the rush of day and quiet dark of night. We lie under the covers of our bed thinking. The soft blankets warming hour hearts and mind, we think about our day. Our brain clicks off its mental check. We begin to live our day at work, the meetings fly by, the projects that we need to attack, and tedious chores we have to do around the house, trying to figure out whether or not our children have clean clothes to wear for the day. And sometimes as we are drifting amongst the clouds of sleep and wake, we are thinking about our daily chores….that lead us not into temptation…..we drift back to warmth of night and wonder about life and death.




Everyone has there own little dreams. The dreams are played out in the Land of Nod, between waking and sleeping. When we were young, we used to dream about being Dorothy Hamill of ice skating and gliding on the crisp edge of our ice skates taking us to another gold metal, or perhaps we are the Willie Mays of baseball making the one handed catch behind our back to win the World Series at the ripe old age of 12. When we are older our fantasies are more mature, now we’re now winning a Mega Million Jackpot of $225 million, or a hot night out in Paris, our husbands in tuxedos while we sport some exotic silky red thing with spaghetti straps. Don’t forget we’re in the Land of Nod……our husbands look good and we look fabulous and in a blink of an eye we are in Paris.



It’s morning. My eyes are closed, it’s dark. The last dream of the night, first daydream of the day begins. I hurt, my bones feel pain. What causes the pain? My mind is drifting on the clouds in the Land of Nod. If I squeeze my eyes shut just a little longer will the pain go away? My bones hurt, my ribs hurt. I start thinking about the cells coursing through my body. There is a plethora of cell characters within confines of my body, my castle. He men, strong men – the muscle cells, they walk, run, swim. The Einsteins, the thinkers, the lovers – the brain cells, they talk, laugh, love. The Suits, the protectors – the skin cells which lie flat all over your body and try to keep you warm even when you do your annual New Year’s swim in freezing water. The stomach cells which are always whining for something to eat even though they just finished a big bowl of ice cream just before you went to bed. The Red and White Blood cells, providing energy for most of all of the other cells but more importantly they are the defenders of the castle. They battle the villains, measles, mumps, infections, and even the dreaded cancer cells.



I have huge quantity of cancer cells running around my body. I know it, I accept it. I think of them, of what the cells are doing. Do they think, do they know they kill? Right now, they are just traveling free and fancy on their own. The “C” cells are zipping around through my blood stream, doing wheelies in my bones, causing great pain in their wakes. I can see them in the Land of Nod. The “C” cells are flashy, want something tasty to eat, and always, always want a good time. Sooner or later, those “C” are going to run into one another. I see them first, ganging up together, riding on top of the red cells until they come to some cool restaurant like Joan’s Liver. They get a party started, calling out for more “C” cells to join them. They slam down white blood cells for appetizers but they start to dig their claws in my liver. The “C” cells dance, bust up whatever come into their path. Red Blood cells will try to fight them off, but to little avail. The “C” cells pair up and make out. The next thing you know, pregnancy will run rampant. And where you had a little cantina of “C” cells, next you’ll have fast food franchises of “C” cells branching further throughout my body.



But, I open my eyes. The Land of Nod is gone. The pain is still there. The cancer cells are still in my body. However they are coursing through my body on their own, they haven’t ganged up yet. They will, but until then I fortify my red and white cells with chemo. There is a battle being played out inside me. All I can do is wait. All I can do is feel. No one tells us that cancer is painful.