Wandering

Not doing too much tonight. My thoughts are just wandering through my brain tonight. It’s late. Rainer’s asleep next to me. The girls conked out hours ago. Hannah was reading “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” to Emma when they both fell asleep, reading one minute then out like light bulbs the next. Chapter books are the big thing in our household these days. Drifting thoughts go through the back of my brain; I wonder what’s happening with my older children – the adults, Dylan and Ashley. Why do children have to grow up? Why do adults have to get old?

The dogs are running around my bedroom creating all sorts of havoc, pulling dirty clothes out and playing tug of war with them. Put that down, that’s my t-shirt your dumb dogs. I can’t understand how Rainer sleeps through this chaos, but remember he has his trusty earplugs in. Dogs, you say. I thought she only had one dog. Nope, I’ve got two dogs now. We still have Maggie, our big, 80 pound ferocious, sad-eyed, smiling, more red than golden, golden retriever. Maggie Dog, who after scaring a person to death with her tremendous growl would then wag her tail and lick them like there is no tomorrow, has a friend. Her name is Hildy, she’s our 4 pound miniature wiener dog. She’s my comfort companion, my husband's pain in the neck and my daughters toy to dump upside down. Dappled gray and black, prissy, runs like ferret, (for that matter looks like one too), yapping guard dog, who likes to burrow under my bedcovers and will steal the food from your plate when your back is turned or not, that’s our new dog, Hildy. She’s nine months old and still to my chagrin is not potty trained. She adores Maggie and Maggie….shall we say… tolerates her. They play somewhat; Maggie puts her paw on Hildy and just holds her down while Hildy twists furiously.

Yes, it’s late. But changes are in the air and though tired, I’m not sleepy. I think I’m waking up, waking up to life and whatever comes along. Music is back in my life big time – all 683 songs on my Zune. (The songs were not gotten by ill begotten gains – but legally) and I was quite proud of my 683 songs, until I found out some techno geek at work has several thousand songs on his iThing. I don’t like Apples, that’s why I have a Zune. Besides, it sounds better. Oh well. I’m just wandering tonight and thinking about life. Lot’s happening lately…..I’ve come out of the closet, I’ve gone out on disability, and now am going on a road trip.

No, I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, she says in her best whiny Seinfeld voice. Many of my friends already know this (and some are really sick of hearing it) but I have to say it – not only to the world but to myself. I have Stage IV Breast Cancer with Bone Metastases. No. I’m not cured….and probably won’t be cured. My bones are like Swiss cheese and I’ll probably have chemo for the rest of my life. But for the moment I am here, waking up and wandering through life.

I’ve gone out on disability. Ewww, that one was a big one. I sobbed hysterically when I finally did it. It was like death, I was in so much pain. I was working too many hours to count and getting nowhere. Chemo kept catching up with me. I remember my hands were shaking uncontrollably when I finally broke down and signed the paperwork. My doctor had wanted me to do it months ago. You have to think about yourself Joan, not them. However, I kept trying (and in some ways am still trying) to be old Joan. The powerhouse, the girl who worked 10 hour days, trying to help a start up Software Company grow up for the last four years. But my bones won’t let me, my heart won’t let me. I have to think about me. I need the pain to lessen, I need to stop working so many hours – OMG, I can’t believe I’m going to say this….but there’s more to life than work. (So did the world just stop – nope it’s still going, and Rainer’s still snoring next to me – it’s comforting to hear) I need my family, my bright eyed girls, and my dashing husband. I need to look at the sunshine and not cringe in pain behind a deferred revenue spreadsheet. Of course, this means a big cut in my paycheck and the old woman in me worries about whether or not we’ll loose the house. On the other hand, little girl in me keeps hoping that maybe I’ll win the lottery; but of course the problem there is that I’m too cheap to buy the lottery ticket. Or I fantasize maybe Oprah will read my blog and become my fairy godmother, taking away my debts, and giving TeamJoan members a self deserved trip to the Caribbean for all the wonderful gifts they have given me. But that is just a fantasy and like I said….I’m just wandering tonight.

And in a few days, I am going to wander down to visit my father. He too has cancer and he’s in the “This is Hard” phase. I think I need to go create some havoc in his life, I think I need to kick him in the butt. So I’m packing up my girls and hitting the road to with a friend who thinks I can’t drive by myself so she’s bringing herself and her two girls along to make sure that I can make it. Hopefully I’m not too old to enjoy life and wake someone else up too.

Wish me luck and wish my father luck too.