Let my love open the door.....

Let my love open the door, let my love open the door…..

Recently I’ve discover a little joy…..just a seed. Yes, I still live in the dark grey land of grief, debilitating pain in my old bones, and crushing weight of depression. While I was very sick, I found it very hard to watch boring T.V., read a trashy book, or even listen to good music. I would lay in bed stare out my window, longing for the summer and the colors of green to blossom from the cold wet ground.

Let my love open the door, let my love open the door….

But I am coming back ….sort of - but in a different way. The summer has gone by. And many things have come and gone. My son went off to college and I found I could live with him and without him. My girls would dance around crazy with laughter on the summer grass and sprouting up tall like trees as the time passed. My niece, Ashley, came to live with us and our family grew. The green leaves of summer gave way to bright colors of orange, pink, bright red leaves, to the fall ritual of head butting football and the return of the prodigal son for the annual “Homecoming” game. I still remember walking into the football stadium after Dylan initially came home that first time to shouts of “Dylan” all around us….. “Dylan” rang out around our family as we made our way into the stands. “See ya mom, I’m going to hang with my friends” came from Dylan as he had been on the island for less than 45 minutes and was already to leave us again. But a smile came to my face…..my college boy was home and had many friends to give him laughter. And in a flash, he was gone again.

Let my love open the door…..

Knowing my son was growing up and was happy allowed me to slowly begin to venture out on my own. My little baby steps included watching small quirky funny little films with my family. Rainer would crawl into our bed upstairs with me, the girls off to one of their many weekly birthday parties while we watched silly little movies like “Juno” curled up next to each other holding hands. Red leaves gave away to glittering gold trees of Christmas. Mountains of snow, children watching Rudolph and waiting for Santa brought smiles to my face. Ashley sitting in the rocking chair next to my bed, she and I watching the good, funny horror film, “The Frighteners” and eat yummy cold ice cream. Rainer and I, with our children in our arms, watching wonderful little movies, like “A Good Year” or “Dan in Real Life” and falling in love all over again.

Let my love open the door to your heart……

And music came back to my life, same old songs but with new people singing them. Liam O Maonlai and the Swell Season singing “Forever Young” and “Into the Mystic” crept into a little space in my heart. Bruce Springsteen with Pete Seeger making us all swell with pride as they sang “This Land is Your Land” and a comedic actor, making my heart skip as he sang Pete Townsend’s “Let My Love Open the Door”.

Summer, fall have come and gone. Winter is here and it’s cold and grey. The girl I have grown to love as my own, maybe going off on her own adventures of adulthood very soon. And my heart breaks just a little with the knowledge. But there are bulbs peaking up from the ground and a little seed of joy is in me. Season pass, love ones go and come back. Time passes and hopefully the grief will change to acceptance just as the movies and music has come back to me.

Here’s a link to a wonderful little song I’d like to share with my friends……

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cwUz-B7klI