It’s dark and quiet. My girls are wrapped in their cozy comforters asleep in their beds. Winter is whispering outside as I sit rocking in my chair. I reach up and run my hand through my hair, my eyes are tired. Yes, I have hair again. It’s about a half inch short, twirls in different directions all over my head. It isn’t curly, but it isn’t straight. It’s very, very gray, but at least it’s hair. I bend my head over my laptop and type on into the night.
I’m waiting. I’m waiting on Christmas, with its wide smiles of anticipation, its crazy songs of partridge’s stuck in pear trees sung over and over by two little girls and warm hot tea, cream, a little sugar with spiced bread shared with friends. I’m waiting for the numbness that has creped into my hands and feet from my recent chemo treatments to go away. I’m waiting for peace to spread through my mind as I wind down from my arduous day filled with system implementations, cash flow models, and month end product sales. I’m waiting for the drugs to wash over my body and take away the severe pain I still feel from where my breast, my muscles, my lymph nodes, and my underarm used to be. I’m waiting to see what will be.
It’s different, it’s both good and bad. I continue on and am getting used to the stranger in the mirror. But I just keep waiting……and wondering in the night.
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3 comments:
Yes, it's been a long and difficult day and it won't be the last one, but be secure in the idea their will be better days ahead. Give your loved ones a kiss good night. Happy end of Prohibition Day to all. Joan, good to see you posting.
"Well we found the things we loved are crushed and dying in the dirt.
We tried to pick up the pieces and get away without getting hurt.
But they caught us at the state line.
Burned out cars in one last fight.
And left us running burned and blind,hmmmmmmmmmm
chasing something in the night.
Whooooooooaaaaaaaaa, whoooooooaaaaaa"
Joan - So glad to see that you are writting again. It is such a good sign that you want to do this again. Take care and know that you are in many peoples thoughts and prayers. Also remember when you look in the mirror, the hair and the body are not what makes Joan, Joan. It is your mind, your heart and your spirit.
Cindy
Hi Joan! I came across this today. I heard about your cancer, and my main thought was "I can't possibly imagine what you're going through." But your writing is so evocative, it really does make me feel your feelings a little. I am uplifted by your spirit, and moved by your closeness to beauty.
We haven't been in touch for a while, but please know I am here for you. Lucia and Emma play together - why not call on us the next time you need some coverage for her and set up a fun playdate to boot? my cell is 919 4547.
Hugs,
Christina Opalka
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