A walk in the moonlight

Okay, the whiney little girl in me wearing triple thick glasses, long hair pulled back in pony tails and wearing too big sneakers says, I’ve been this on this so called car ride for over a year now and wants to know – are we there yet? The mature, suave, former San Francisco cosmopolitan, now islander mom, with red titanium hip glasses, seriously yet stylish short hair and wears bright pink, snake skin tennis shoes answers back – we’re on this journey for a long time, probably for the rest of our lives.

My journey originally started sitting at the Pub lifting a pint or two high in the air with warm friends. The journey is now over a year old and has a ways to go yet. Windy roads, and scary turns have I taken. I’ve gone through the land of hair loss, puking up my green guts day after day, turning neon radiated red. But I have not stopped, maybe paused a moment or two but have kept going down the path of cancer. The non-stop, Napoleonic woman who dreamed of being a CFO of a software company has given way to an introspective slow motioned girl who looks up to the stars and dreams now of days that will or won’t come.

The burdens can be tough to bear, sleepless nights of anxiety, debilitating pain as the disease seeps slowly into my bones, fear of facing yet another year let alone a day of needles and poisonous drugs, and having the children home for summer. Yet I have received so many gifts, the ability to hear the wind through my backyard trees and wind chimes dance in the night, friends whose strong hugs and hand holding have given me warmth on the coldest of days, and having my children home with me to enjoy the laughter that comes from summer.

I asked my friends to raise a pint with me, now I’m wondering if a few friends would like to walk for a moment (and not very far) with me. Bainbridge is part of a wonderful thing called the “Relay for Life”, sponsored by the American Cancer Society. I’ve decided to try to walk a lap or two. Yes, the American Cancer Society is all about raising money, but I’m not walking because of that. There is a deafening darkness that creeps into your soul every hour that you have cancer. I want to walk a lap or two in the night to show that I’m not afraid of the darkness and I will continue on with my journey no matter how much I’d just like to lay down on the track and call it quits.

I will be walking in the Relay for Life on July 18th at 10 p.m. at Bainbridge High School. I hope to be accompanied by a couple of fabulous runners – who are friends of my son – but I hope a few more friends will show up. My goal is to do at least one lap - slowly. The superwoman in me wants to do 5 laps, but that might be pushing it. For me, this isn’t about the money – it’s the doing. I was going to try to get a corporate sponsor and get some cool pink t-shirts with the TeamJoan logo on it….but, hey I’ve got cancer. I can’t take on the world anymore; I’m just taking on me. Please join me, if you can.

To register please go to…..

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?pg=entry&fr_id=17756

and look for me…

Stupid Question

....Stupid questions. I'm wandering this morning. I couldn't sleep. It's Saturday, the one morning I should be able to sleep in. I woke up around 4 am, around 4:30 am I started doing leg stretches and stomach crunches. Tried to sleep again, but decided at 5:30 am to get up and take a bath. It was a warm, deliciously hot bath. Afterward, did I go back to sleep. No.

I downed my morning drugs, packed up my computer and now I sit in the Bakery with a cup of tea. I finished off my raspberry scone about an hour ago. I’ve drifted along on the internet at my corner window table, reading the headlines, drooled over shoes at Nordstroms, stressed over the lack of cash as I glance through my bank account online. Morning fog is burning off outside. Islanders are milling in and out. I glance up now and then from my computer to sip my tea. Occasionally, I see someone I know, however I just put my head down and continue drifting. Empty tables greeted me when I first came; Beethoven softly surrounded at I drank my warm tea. Now, seats are full, people are like sharks, grabbing the first open table as someone gets up to leave. I’m getting looks…..sole woman seated at a two top.

So my stupid question for this morning……and I have thought of many while drifting on my computer. Does anyone out there still read this stuff?

I’ll answer why after I get my results…….

It's nearly 9 am, I wonder how soon someone will answer my question.

I think I'll wander over to the Farmer's market......and someone can have my table.

A quiet good morning to all.