Not something I really wanted to do

My family cut my hair off tonight. Yep, my long, straight red hair is now in the garbage can. It had been falling out for the past few days. At first it was just wisps of long hair on my pillow and more than usual strands of hair tangled in my comb. However today, large clumps were just falling out and I knew it was time. So I decided to make it a fun family event.

When the gang got home this evening, I called out to the girls that it was time to cut Mommy's hair off. I thought it would be a good idea to braid strands of my hair and then the girls could clip off the braids for a souvenirs. I wanted to involve the girls and make it fun rather than what it is, scary. The girls scrambled upstairs to get the girly hair box - a box full of flowered headbands, butterfly hair clips, neon bright hair scrunches and tons of rubber bands. I plopped down on the couch while Hannah climbed all over me as she braided clumps of my hair, securing each braid with a tiny rubber band. Like a professional hairdresser, my Hannah neatly braided my hair. Did I look like Bo Derek from the movie 10.....no, but it made my daughter happy that she could do something for me.

Rainer got out the scissors and hair shaver. He got a big chair and I sat in the kitchen with all of the lights on. The girls called Dylan downstairs and made him the official hair photographer. Of course, he groused about not knowing how to use my camera. Hmmm, Dylan you point and click. Do, I have to. Yes, you have too.

The girls were giddy with excitement. Hannah got to chop the first lock of hair off, then Emma. Hannah, the first grader, smoothly snipped the braid off. Emma, my four year old, needed help from her big sister. Once, twice, three times I could hear the scissors cut away at my hair as Emma sawed through the hair. They danced around me as they each took a turn clipping off the braids from my head. I kept my head down and I could hear Rainer in the background saying, "Be careful, you don't want to cut Mommy's ear off". Dylan clicked away with the camera. I even reached up an clipped a braid off. The girls lined the braids up on the kitchen counter all in a row. Look mommy, look at all the different colors of your hair.

Then it was time for the razor. Rainer started the razor and began running it through my hair and the rest of my long locks of hair floated to the floor. The girls were still doing hair dances and running wild. It was getting to me and I said that it was time for them to go take a bath as Daddy finished up with my hair. Before they took off upstairs and bath time, I asked them what I looked like. They both laughed and said that I looked like Dylan from last summer when he had had his head shaved (Dylan had gone to New Orleans last summer to deconstruct and rebuild houses for Katrina Flood victums - he shaved his head because the weather was 90 degrees and long hair would have been too much). I asked Dylan what he thought of my new hair cut.....his comment......"It's ugly"....and then he too went upstairs. As Rainer was sweeping up my hair from the floor, I asked him how he felt about cutting my hair. He replyed that it was not something that he really never had wanted to do, but that he had done it for me. It was then that the tears welled up inside. Did I cry.....no, not much. More of a scrunched up face and watery tears held back in my eyes. It was just a moment between husband and wife. You know Joan, I don't love you for your hair......I love you for you.

What does it really look like......Dylan's right, it's ugly. It's very dark with lots of gray. My head looks like an egg that needs to shave....although I know that the rest will soon fall out as well. So it was a good night and I know that my girls are not at all afraid. There was a little bit of sorrow of the over the loss of my hair. But it's nice to know that I am loved by my family whether or not I have hair.

It's a night

It's a just another night at our home. Emma and Hannah have been bouncing from room to room like tornatoes, leaving coats, blankies, and toys behind in their wake. Dylan made dinner - a family favorite - procuitto and peas - that has been scarfed down by all. He's now upstairs in his room and I can hear him cackling over Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert. Rainer is doing laundry while giving his witty commentary on the election returns that are blasting in the background from the T.V.

And me, what am I doing. Lately, I don't know. I'm just trying to make it while living with the pain. They never tell you that cancer is painful, especially when it sneaks into your bones without your knowledge. Lately, I feel like I walk around with a crowbar that has gone straight through my chest and come out my back. Horrify sight, isn't it. Well, the pain is just as bad.

Tomorrow, I'm graduating from Viocodin addict to Percoset addict because the pain keeps getting worse instead of better. My doctor is thinking of switching me to radiation just because the pain continues to grow. I'm really tired of this and I have so far to go.

The pain come in waves......and I wonder when will I get to have just another night at home.